


東方乱筆祭 ~ Chaotic Workings of Fanfic Telephone

by TouhouTelephone



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: the tag increases as the chapter is posted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-01-23 08:30:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 30,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21317188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TouhouTelephone/pseuds/TouhouTelephone
Summary: Almost two years ago, there was an idea. A great and terrible idea. Grab a number of fanfic authors from the Touhou fandom, and have them each write a chapter of a fanfic... knowing only the last three sentences of the previous chapter.This fic was the result. Know that history will judge our actions.Updating at least daily until all the chapters are up and formatted. Tags and such will be updated with each chapter.
Comments: 22
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1 [rlyehtaxidermist]

It was another day in the Forest of Magic. Or possibly night; the thick forest canopy and phosphorescent mushrooms made it hard to tell exactly what time it was, and Kirisame Marisa never really paid much attention to the precise passage of time while she worked. Her latest concoction, the result of several months of experiments with some of the Forest’s more exotic lichen, would hopefully help mitigate that anyway.

Marisa gave her cauldron one last stir, then dunked a clear glass mug into the golden-yellow mixture within.

Her vision shook for a moment as she took in the potion’s effects. The eerie, warbling birdsong that filled the forest now sounded low and distorted, and the rustling leaves of the forest’s lower trees and shrubs almost looked completely still. Marisa picked up the half-empty mug and hurtled it into the air, watching as it slowed as soon as it left her hand. She laughed and ran forward, catching up to the mug with ease and plucking it out of the air, then scooping up the falling drops of potion.

She hefted up the cauldron, sealed it with a lid, and tossed it through her open window. It landed with more of a _clang_ than a _sploosh_, which told her it was probably still the right side up. She carefully latched the window shut; the last thing that Gensokyo needed was some fairies getting into this, no matter _what_ it might actually do to them.

She grabbed her broom and blasted off into the Forest of Magic. She’d specially reinforced her broom just for this experiment; the potion should mitigate any air resistance, but she wasn’t sure if the broom could handle the power she’d now be putting through it.

She kicked off the ground with a laugh and blasted into the sky, a blazing iridescent streak cutting through the now definitely early-evening sky behind her. She skimmed the surface of the treetops, circling to watch the leaves shudder and shift as they slowly reacted to her wake. She smiled and took the final swig of the option, and then kicked the mini-hakkero up to full power.

The Forest of Magic disappeared in a blur. She watched impassively as an unexpectedly tall tree shattered as her broom struck it, the wood slowly splitting around her and her broom with a deep, muffled _crack_.

Marisa tried to gently swing her broom around, only for something in the air to shudder, knocking the mini-hakkero slightly. She tried to swerve back, but overcorrected, and a moment later she was spinning in the air, skimming across the Forest of Magic’s canopy like a stone.

Then she was out of the forest entirely, and surely headed for a familiar small building on a hill. At the last moment, she regained control, and slowed her broom just enough that when she collided with the doors of the Hakurei Shrine, it ended with a heavy _thunk_ rather than a Marisa-shaped hole that she’d inevitably have to patch up.

Marisa fell to the ground as the door slowly opened. She rolled over into a seating position as Reimu, as slow as the rest of the world, stepped out to stare down at her.

“Marisa, what are you doing?”

“’s my new secret plan to beat you in a duel. I’m not obliged to say anything.”

“Right.” Reimu sighed. “...are you sure you’re all right?”

Marisa rolled her eyes. “I told you, I’m fine.”

Reimu raised an eyebrow, and slowly lifted her finger to point above Marisa’s head. “Your hat is on fire.”

“Eh, it’s been doing that for nearly an hour.” Marisa shrugged. “Besides, it’s kinda cool.”


	2. Chapter 2 [stevos-stuff]

**Marisa rolled her eyes. “I told you, I’m fine.”**

**Reimu raised an eyebrow, and slowly lifted her finger to point above Marisa’s head. “Your hat is on fire.”**

“**Eh, it’s been doing that for nearly an hour.” Marisa shrugged. “Besides, it’s kinda cool.” **

“Is it useful for anything?” Reimu asked.

Marisa grasped either end of her hat’s brim with her hands. “I don’t know, really,” she said, “But it’s best at keeping me warm, I guess.”

“So it isn’t hurting you at all?” Reimu said.

“Of course not!” Marisa said. “In fact, I feel absolutely cool in this.” She pointed a thumb into her chest. “I don’t know how it happened or how to extinguish the fire, but it doesn’t look like it’s gonna go out soon. But check it out, yo!”

Reimu kept staring at the flames swiping at the air and wanted to keep Marisa from entering the shrine. The last thing she needed was her shine being destroyed again. “I need to head inside for a bit,” she said.

Reimu turned around and headed inside the shrine, slamming the sliding door behind her. The birds chirped, and leaves rustled in the brisk March morning. Marisa looked at one direction into the surrounding forest, then at the other direction. She grew bored almost instantly and turned toward the tenma. The she heard the sliding door slam open again, with Reimu grunting and lifting up a heavy object of some sort. She stood statue still, resting on one foot and one forward ankle, trying to conjure an excuse for the position she was in.

Marisa then felt a heavy metal weight on her head, and water being poured into the container. “Uh, Reimu?” she said. “What are you doing up there?”

Reimu was floating right above Marisa, pouring a second bucket of water into the pot. “Hold still,” she said. “Unless you wanna get doused in scalding water. And I’m not flying you to Eientei if that happens.”

Marisa looked upward and could only see the brim of her hat. She slowly and carefully slid her front foot back under her as Reimu floated back down, landing in front of her. “Oh look, I found something useful out of you playing with fire,” Reimu said.

“Can I take this off?” Marisa asked.

“I thought you were cool in that hat,” Reimu said, smiling. She pulled out a small burlap sack from her sleeve and opened it, seeing all the grains of rice inside. “Say, you got any mushrooms with you? I don’t feel like eating plain white rice again.”

Reimu floated back up above Marisa and poured the rice into the pot, where the water by then was boiling. Gallons of water and rice and the cast iron cauldron was crushing Marisa’s neck. Her legs were about to turn into spaghetti and collapse. “Reimu!” she said. “Please get that pot offa me!”

Reimu’s gohei dipped into the pot to stir the boiling rice. “Wait until it’s done,” Reimu said. “How about you stay for dinner? I’m making lots of it, after all.”

“I wanna go home,” Marisa said.

“As often as you come around here, this might as well be your home,” Reimu said. “Besides, how come you’re passing up an opportunity to eat some Hakurei Miracle Rice?”

“Hakurei Miracle Rice?” Marisa said.

“Of course,” Reimu said, smiling. “You know, Luigi Miko isn’t the only one who knows how to work miracles.”


	3. Chapter 3 - Smarto2004

“**Hakurei Miracle Rice?” Marisa said.**

“**Of course,” Reimu said, smiling. “You know, Luigi Miko isn’t the only one who knows how to work miracles.”**

“Well I can’t see any way that this could go wrong.”

Marisa had seen enough of Reimu’s schemes at this point to know many ways this could go wrong. However part of the fun of it at this point was to see the actual extent of the failure and that was something that she most certainly didn’t want to miss.

“However if my initial pitch for the Hakurei Miracle Rice fails to work I’ve always got a backup to fall on.”

“Really now?” Marisa raised an eyebrow quizzically. This was certainly an uncommon occurrence for Reimu’s schemes.

“Yes. Really.”

Reimu then proceeded to pull out a flyer out of nowhere and hand it to Marisa.

“Behold! The secret weapon for my cunning plan!”

While the flyer was your usual standard fanfare for advertising a miracle product what stood out the most was that Aunn was there promoting the product.

“Huh. Tha- that might actually work.”

Normally, the black-white magician would be quite sceptical of the plan but Aunn’s track record lately had been surprisingly good.

“Of course it will. At this point it’s fool proof!”

“_I’m not too sure about that…”_ Marisa thought to herself.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Surprisingly, things were ended up going quite well.

“Huh. Well colour me impressed. Things are actually going as planned for once.”

“What do you mean for once? I’ve had plenty of success in the past.” Reimu snippingly replied.

“Yeah, but they never went according to your original plan.” Marisa shot back with a grin.

“… Shut up.”

However as Marisa watched the people (and some Youkai) pass by having a good time and purchasing some Hakurei Miracle Rice she just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

“Isn’t this too easy?”

“Too easy? What do you mean?”

“I mean that things seem to be solved really quickly. Shouldn’t something else occur. It seems too early to end things off alrea-”

Marisa suddenly found Reimu’s hand over her mouth.

“Shhhhhh! Don’t jinx it you fool!”

But it was already too late. Grey clouds began to gather in the air as snow began to gently fall to the ground.

“Oh for crying out-! Snow in summer? Didn’t we just have something like this not too long ago?!”

Reimu was not happy.

“Woo! Called it!”

Marisa on the other hand found great amusement in sudden turn of events.

Reimu sighs. “Looks like I just can’t catch a break today.”

“Well look on the bright side.” Marisa chimes in. “At least the story won’t end so shortly after it started.”

“What?”

“What?”

An awkward silence fills the air before Reimu breaks it.

“Annnnyyyyway…” Reimu looks around as the snowfall slowly intensifies around them as all of the guests at the shrine take their leave.

“We should probably try and investigate what is the cause of this sudden downfall of snow.”

Reimu then shivers. “At least, while we still have time before it starts to get really cold.”

“_Can’t exactly say that I saw Reimu’s scheme ending this way but I sure ain’t complaining.”_

“So I take it that means what I think it means?”

“That’s right, Marisa.”

Reimu dons a serious look on her face.

“We have an incident on our hands.”


	4. Chapter 4 - AlgaeNymph

“_**Can’t exactly say that I saw Reimu’s scheme ending this way but I sure ain’t complaining.”**_

“**So I take it that means what I think it means?”**

“**That’s right, Marisa.”**

**Reimu dons a serious look on her face.**

“**We have an incident on our hands.”**

Meanwhile, Byakuren stepped out of the Myouren Temple, her calm face an all-too practiced mask for her sadness.

_Another day of no progress,_ she thought. _Try as I might, humans want nothing to do with youkai, who in turn keep validating humanity’s fears with delinquency. _She looked upon the leaves, dust, and other detritus on the temple grounds. _So much like my reputation; no matter how much it’s cleaned it just goes back to being dirty. Because I’m not _pure_ enough. I’ve even heard talk sympathetic to the _Lunarians_ of all-_

Byakuren took a deep breath. _This gets me nowhere. I’ve work to do, for my followers’ convenience if nothing else. At least I can help _somebody_… _Clearing her mind, she flicked her scroll out of her sleeve with one hand and deftly unfurled it with the other. Scroll in her hands, she performed a kata learned from the tengu in her adventuring days. Her stance broadened for support, she forcefully whirled her arms in a wide, looping arc. In like manner, a gust of wind blew the debris away from the temple pathway.

Satisfied, Byakuren let herself smile slightly as she took another deep breath. _I should do this regularly; make it an exhibition. I’ll aid my followers _and_ cleanse my sins. _Maybe_ help my cause-_

“So you’re the social justice wizard Mari’s told me so much about.”

Byakuren looked up at the descending speaker who, _thankfully_, interrupted her again-darkening thoughts: green hair under a blue conical hat, white-accented dress that was just as blue, and a vengeful spirit judging by the tail where her legs would otherwise be. “Namaste, traveller. I am indeed Lady Byakuren Hijiri of the Myouren Temple. I feel like you’ve been spoken of to me as well…”

The apparition didn’t quite touch down, instead floating just high enough to look down on Byakuren. “Not surprising… But I’m getting ahead of myself. Name’s Mima the Magnificant, mentor of Marisa.”

That got a giggle from Byakuren. “That alliterates in English. Was that intentional?”

Mima smiled. “Just wanted to see how good you are with languages.” Her face contorted into a smirk. “How’s Shinki, by the way?”

Byakuren’s eyes widened, then closed. “It’s been decades since we’ve last been in contact. It was about two ago that I saw her city burn.” She opened them again and looked Mima in the eye. “Marisa told me you two had a part in that.”

“Yup, but we should talk about _that_ more inside,” Mima said as she cocked her head toward the temple. Byakuren nodded, and strode toward there, Mima quickly floating past her.

She quickly found herself pressed against an empty space. “Y’got ghost problems, I take it.”

“My rival’s wife would take offense at being underestimated,” Byakuren said.

Mima turned around and leaned back against the entrance opening. “Last I saw you two were gettin’ along.”

“Personally, yes,” Byakuren said, “but our goals are still at odds, just as my existence is with everyone it seems.”

“Well if you want someone to mother you I’m actually good at that for some reason,” Mima said. She shook her head. “Can’t imagine why.”

Byakuren took Mima by the hand. “It would be a pleasure to converse,” she said as she led the ghost inside.

Mima looked around the entry chamber; the wooden walls looking grown rather than built, and there were cushions stacked in a front corner. Nobody else was around. “Your kip’s warded against boundary manipulation too, right?”

“Indeed,” Byakuren said, “it’s a requirement in my line of work.”

“I know _that_ feeling.” Mima floated over to the floor cushions and lounged herself on them. “Anyone gonna be here anytime soon?”

“My disciples should be engaged in other tasks for the foreseeable future.”

“Good to know, because for _my_ foreseeable future I’ll be making myself at home. Literally.”

Mouth open in a dumbfounded smile, Byakuren could only stare.

“Look,” Mima said, “my lair’s gone, and unlike that damn racoon I’ll actually show my appreciation. Kinda sorta totally the reason I’m here. An’ since nobody’ll be bothering us now’s as good a time as any to talk.”

Byakuren walked to Mima and sat down in front of her. Mima yanked out a pillow from her pile. “Y’want something softer to sit on? I got plenty.” Byakuren gently shook her head. “Quiet, huh? I’m guessing you’re getting pissed at me so I better start talking. Getting to the point, I literally found God, and how that’s directly relevant to why we’re not important anymore.”

“As in…the Christian god?”

“Nah, thankfully, but y’got the right concept. You’re familiar with the Question of Evil too, right?”

“From the lips of both myself and all children: _**why?**_”

“Yeah, the Taoists are content with ‘shit happens’ but never think to ask _why_. Idiots, you should be asking that until they make you poison yourself.” Mima hmph’d. “Not that _we’d_ need to worry about that sort of thing.”

“Interdependent origination,” Byakuren said, “every effect has a cause, and everything is connected to everything else.” She sighed. “I got scolded for that as well, as it seems I do nothing but preach common sense.”

“At least you’re not spewing bullshit, but back to the point. You _do_ see what you’re missing with that simple definition, yeah?”

“Being thorough and explicit? I should think interdependent origination inherently asks ‘why?’ But you’re right in that it doesn’t presuppose an ultimate creator god, nor focus on a specific question. I trust you bring with you an answer to your own rhetorical question?”

“No, I brought _five_ answers, and I’m gonna tick off why the first four are wrong.”

Byakuren leaned back. “Truly, you have such insight into the nature of a supreme being?”

Mima nodded. “So that we’re both clear, the question is ‘Why does God let bad things happen?’ Answer #1 is that there is no God. Evidence points to that, or maybe the other answers, being true on a more _fundamental_ scope, but not for our purposes.”

“As in something greater than an ultimate god?”

Mima smirked. “And people say you’re dumb. Moving on gets up to Answer #2: God is evil.” Byakuren tensed at that. “Don’t worry, that’s very much not the case here, though he does treat you like a joke.”

“Nn?”

“YeahI’llget to that one later. With Answer #3 we’re getting into that juicy ontology you an’ I love so much,” Mima said, wringing her hands. Byakuren nodded in approval. “That one’s the hypothesis that God created a universe with such stringent laws of physics that even it can’t interfere, ‘cept _maybe_ through subtle miracles that can be dismissed as coincidence.”

“Sounds rather benevolent,” Byakuren said. She taped her chin and looked up, “and like something I’ve heard before.”

“The one about the too-heavy rock, but that’s boring, and were talking about a wrong answer anyway.”

Byakuren smiled. “Except possibly for something greater than a Christian god. You have me quite intrigued, and I hope to continue that tangent later.”

Mima chuckled. “Such a nerd. Shame you an’ Mari didn’t talk more. Which kinda pretty much fits well with Answer #4: that this is all God’s experiment, and free will’s only so it can get novel data. Interfering’d muck things up, you see.”

“Basic science, yes. And this answer is wrong because…?”

Mima paused, then remembered how to take a breath. “Damn, been dead for too long. Whoo…that’s bracing. Anyhow…the thing with us is that our free will’s…iffy at best, so we’re running face-first into Answer #5: we’re God’s fictional characters.”

There was a tense pause.

“You’ve confirmed this?” Byakuren asked.

“Even if I haven’t, and I’m bullshitting like you think I am, you’re too curious to see where the rabbit hole goes to turn me down anyway.”

“That’s…worth considering, but my main objection is that…the story I’ve lived is mostly in the past. My plot, in every sense of the word, is barely getting anywhere. I’ve met with others who doubtless have plots of their own, but if there’s any intrigue then nothing has come of it.”

“Yeah, that’s where things start to suck. See,” Mima said, leaning forward, motioning back and forth to herself and Byakuren with her hand, “we don’t matter anymore. And I bet you’ll never guess who does.”

“…I suspect it isn’t Sister Hakurei and your apprentice.” Byakuren hmm’d. “If you’re to have me guess-”

“That was rhetorical, but go right ahead. It’s fun to watch you think.”

“Thank you. Based on your clue, the person – or per_sons_ – favored by this world’s god won’t be those working to either change or preserve Gensokyo. What manner of story would that be…?” Byakuren muttered to herself, looking away.

Mima leaned back into the cushions while Byakuren thought, proud of herself for being patient enough to hold back fidgeting. For the moment.

“…One about the villagers? But judging by your tone not even that as such a series of stories would show off the setting, and someone like you wouldn’t sound so disdainful about such. Or perhaps I’m being optimistic about you too.”

Mima’s smirk got a bit gentler. “If you’re questioning yourself then you’re smart enough to trust yourself. Unless you’re just plain wrong.”

“A wise-sounding koan, but is it valid…? Yes, if there is evidence of benevolence… Is there…? A good question, but I’m getting sidetracked…”

Mima continued to wait, tip of her tail flicking in tension.

Byakuren’s eyes flicked to Mima’s twitching. “I suppose I’d best hazard a guess then, as I’ll learn soon enough. The only other clue you may have given was your comment about Mamizou, so…her?”

They both stared at each other for a long moment.

“I _was_ thinking of those three **fucking** fairies infesting **my** shrine,” Mima said, “but I like your guess better. Hell, I would’ve suggested that coon’s pet kiddo.” Mima shook her head. “Wish I got to her first, teach her how to take care of her own damn self…”

“Hm?”

“Rambling again. Point is, you’re a joke, Reimu’s the _butt_ of jokes, and my comeback’s older than the chicken crossing the road. There’re at least half-a-dozen matriarchs, you especially, playing Game of Thrones for Gensokyo’s souls, and God’s more interested in the Three Fairy Stooges and the Loony Toons Lampad.”

Byakuren closed her eyes in thought for a moment. “…A bucolic world of children’s comedy, showcasing myth come to life in accordance to divine whim.”

“Whim in every sense of the word,” Mima said, “but you got it in one.”

Byakuren beamed. “Then we are truly blessed then!”

Now it was Mima’s turn to stare dumbly.

“If we live according to the design of a benevolent god than surely humans and youkai will eventually live in harmony!”

Mima closed her eyes and winced, willing herself not to facepalm. “**Or**, youkai continue to be goofy delinquents, in accordance with God’s design, while the readers continue to say the same rude things about you that the humans here all the way up to Little Miss ‘It-Is-Said’ do.” Mima snorted. “Oh wait, you only have _cameos_.”

A deep breath. “Are you trying to liberate or tempt me?”

“_Both!_” Mima held her arms out. “I’m an _evil_ spirit for a _reason._”

“You are only anarchic, albeit…strongly.”

“Worse sin in Japan than cruelty.”

Byakuren scowled. “That’s a rather ethnocentric presumption.”

“Yeah, you’re right, shouldn’t generalize. And I’m going off track.” Mima leaned forward, emphasizing with her hands. “Don’t you want **more** and **better?**”

“I want what is evidently benevolent, nothing more. Except…perhaps harmless vices,” Byakuren said, looking askance. That got a snicker from Mima. “If anything, the present machinations, such as they are, demonstrate far more benevolence than what I suspect you propose. Though I _am_ curious, what do _you_ want?”

Mima floated upright off her cushions. “_**I want you to be the shining heroine you were meant to be.**_” She began to “pace” around a startled Byakuren. “I wanna see you fail and fail again and maybe succeed in your struggle against human bigots and youkai assholes.”

Byakuren could sense Mima’s aura smolder and begin to flare as she continued to float in tight circles, gesticulating animatedly.

“I wanna see my n- _Reimu _be the legendary huntress she’s meant to be, not just sitting on **my porch** listening to Mari exposit what folklore God’s interested in this month. I wanna see Big Purple show off what a mastermind she is again, drawing up plans to Fuck the Moon with one hand and feeding potato chips to Ghost Waifu with the other. And that’s just t’start, I could go on an’ _on_ an’ _**on**_ ‘til _I_ get sick of hearing it.”

Byakuren snuck glances at the entryways to the chamber, wondering what to do were someone to show up amidst this seemingly endless rant. Wondering if it’d be an embarrassment, or a respite.

“I wanna see action an’ drama an’ intrigue an’ setting development an’ character development an’ relationship development an’ plot an’ metaplot an’ witty dialogue an’ different voices an’ decent localization! I want every player, every rival, every faction to have big schemes, big goals, an’ big feelings that come crashing together in a vast, glorious, interpersonal, geopolitical **clusterfuck**_ that feels like a climax __**in every sense of the word!**_”

“And…what of your role in this ideal design?”

“I want something to snack on while I read myself to the happiness that dare not speak its name!” Mima floated silently for a moment before flopping on her back in mid-air. “Gods, I needed that. Haven’t felt this alive since Rin turned into a shoggoth.” She sat up a bit. “You had some good lines, too. You had _respect_ then.” She snickered. “Told Yasakatome’s Ambition off in her own home. That was awesome. My lines were better though…”

The two sat quietly, Mima ruminating her words and Byakuren deep in thought.

“If your plan is to alter the designs of this world’s fundamental god, thought of not as an architect but an author… I’m reminded of an epic poem, in which the author inserts himself into the Christian afterlife in a grand tour of wish-fulfillment.”

Mima floated upright, slowly applauding. “Hoo-hoo-hooo, yeah! When you’re way ahead of me you don’t do it halfway, do you?”

Byakuren cocked her head, quirking her mouth. “I…guess. As benevolent as this world’s god is, I’m unsure he would look kindly on alterations.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it, he won’t look at all; he _can’t_. Don’t wanna be accused of stealing the other gods’ ideas.”

“In spite of them appropriating his?” Mima gave a nod. “Curious. But where do _we_ factor in persuading these…pretender gods to ally with us?”

“Yeah, that’s the problem; the ones who aren’t _just fine_ with the way things are, or just plain not interested enough to change things, are too bummed to do a damn thing. Plus there’s the whole practical thing about how even the Gap Hag’d have trouble reaching out. I only found out by _accident_. **But**, given how everything’s influenced by myth we just need a writer right here,” Mima said, pointing down.

* * *

As with all the rooms in the Palace of the Earth Spirits the parlor, of many, was overly large to the point of being more shadows than walls, making every occupant and piece of furniture seem to meander in a void.

“So to summarize,” Satori said, “you two want us to alter, but not necessarily take over, Gensokyo by having me write a story featuring the three of us?”

“And then some. But yeah, that’s the gist of it, Monkeymom,” Mima said as Byakuren nodded.

Satori continued to give the two mages her even, judgmental stare. “If the two of you will be haunting me for the all-too foreseeable then I may as well do a bit of possession of my own. Consider me hired.”


	5. Chapter 5 - shidiand

**Satori continued to give the two mages her even, judgmental stare. “If the two of you will be haunting me for the all-too foreseeable then I may as well do a bit of possession of my own. Consider me hired.”**

At that declaration, both mages let go a held breath. (Really?) (Nice!) Marisa broke out into a broad grin, and went for a high-five. This confused Narumi for a moment before she tentatively raised a hand of her own.

“See that? That’s a little something I like to call, ‘negotiation technique’,” Marisa clapped her hand against Narumi’s and did a little spin. Narumi looked at the ceiling. (Ahaha… Um. Lovely chandelier.)

“Thank you, Miss Yatadera,” Satori replied automatically. “I would have thrown you out had you been serious about poltergeisting my mansion for the next seven days, Marisa, but since you are a bluff and a liar,” and Marisa looked very proud at this, “I will consider this bizarre idea of yours. Although, I would like to hear more about how exactly you plan on making this 'possession’ work first,” she added, cautiously.

“Well, I wouldn’t call it 'possession’, exactly,” Narumi said, “really more of a sort of co-habitation? Would that be the right term?”

“ ’s a bit dense. Let’s stick to 'possession’.”

“Anyways! Uh, right. It’s an enchantment on multiple bodies that allows the user to move their consciousness between them at short distances, so the usage is pretty limited. More or less you have to get in direct contact with someone to possess them, and even when you share bodies, it’s very hard to overpower the will of the original owner, so for 'possession’ it’s pretty weak.”

“Ah, I think I understand,” said Satori, who had a very tenuous grasp of magic and was content to keep it that way. “And the reason the two of you came all the way down into Former Hell, to seek my help in particular, was…” she paused. (I need a satori’s power to…) Narumi thought. (2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17…) “For your experiments…” (19, 23, 29, 31…) “…on golem consciousness. I see, I see. MARISA,” Satori sighed. Marisa’s lips were moving slightly as she continued to count off primes. “Marisa, I’m not going to lend you my power if it’s for something irresponsible. What do you want my help for?”

Marisa pursed her lips, then opened her mouth, looked at Narumi, looked back at Satori, and closed her mouth again. “Um.” Narumi gave her a confused look. (I need… your help… to confesstoMissAliceMargatroidtheveryniceandbeautifulgirlwholivesnearmeintheForestofMagic.) “… for fishing?”

“Can’t you get Miss Yatadera to help you with that?” Satori asked.

(I don’t want her to see me bungle it up!! In front of her, too? In front of both of them?! Aghhh!!!!!) Marisa wailed internally. “Nonononononono. Completely fine without her help.” Narumi looked hurt. “I mean– I didn’t mean it like that, Narumi, um,” Marisa said hastily, “the two of us, we can, uh, fish together any time but I really want YOUR help, Satori.”

“For… fishing.”

“Yes!”

“But if we do it like this, I won’t be able to read any minds…?”

“It doesn’t matter if you can read minds, I just need your help! You’re, you’re good at this stuff, right? Please?” There was something pitiable about the look on Marisa’s face that made Satori waver.

“Alright, Marisa, I’ll… fish with you.” Satori gave in. “Sorry about this, Miss Yatadera,” she added, as the baffled Narumi waved her hands in a sort of pacifying way that Satori did not really know how to describe in words. Like, a peace gesture, or a signal of no ill intent. Damn, things just made a lot more intuitive sense with mind-reading. (Uh… no no, don’t worry about me, Miss Komeiji…) “Well then, I suppose we should start with Miss Yatadera’s request first…”

“Ah! Yes! Sorry, I’ll get the enchantment set up, then,” said Narumi. “If you could–” Satori held out her palm, “–er, thank you,” she said, tracing a complex star in her palm with her fingertip, and Satori remembered how ticklish she was as she listened to the magician recall the rest of the procedure. Gently, Narumi took Satori’s hand and guided her through tracing a star of her own on Narumi’s palm, muttering the incantation under her breath. “…There we are,” she clapped the tips of her fingers together lightly, quite pleased with herself. Satori was a little disappointed. She did not feel any different.

Narumi clambered down and sat down cross-legged, leaning against the table. (If you could sit down beside me…?) she thought, and Satori obliged, taking a similar position. She took Narumi’s hand, and Narumi relaxed. _Can you hear me?_ said Narumi, but her voice sounded different. It was different from hearing her speak or think; it was more like a politely intrusive thought that she could recognize as Narumi’s, somehow. Yes, I can hear you, she thought back. _Nice! Then the spell’s worked perfectly!_ replied Narumi. _There’s still a proper delineation between each consciousness, so we won’t be able to hear everything the other thinks, which is… probably for the best. Could you try to relax your body for a bit?_ There was a faint feeling of restlessness in her arm. Satori settled down and watched curiously as her hand unclasped itself from Narumi’s. Narumi herself was gently breathing, seemingly in a deep trance. She pushed herself up to standing, and let her hands come together for a moment in prayer. Do you do that a lot? Satori asked. _Oh! Sorry, I guess it’s just a comfortable position for me. I don’t actually do it with any meaning,_ Narumi replied. _Let me just get my materials ready…_

Satori watched herself walk over to the table with halting steps. Her movements felt delicate, with an uncertain carefulness. She could sense Marisa’s amusement from behind her. “Does it… does it really look that funny?” Satori asked.

“Hehe, it kinda does.” (That was Narumi, right?) Marisa thought.

“Er, yes, it was me.”

“Oh, yo, it worked then! I wasn’t sure if you just conked out from the long journey into the underground or if that was part of the spell.” Marisa struggled to keep a straight face.

“Oh come on, Marisa, I know you know how the spell goes! We went over it together so many times!”

(Ahhh, ya got me there,) Marisa thought, breaking out into a full smile. Satori turned back to the reagents on the table. Although, you don’t need to be quite this careful with my body, Miss Yatadera, she thought.

_Pardon?_ Narumi seemed taken aback by this.

You can’t be this uncertain in your movements while carrying out your experiments, I mean. I could tell you were a trustworthy person, I think, so I can trust you to look after myself. Have some confidence, um. Miss.. Narumi? Satori thought, a little awkwardly.

_Oh! Um. I’ll try, then, Miss… Miss Satori._ There was a blush to the thought. Somehow. How do you describe this stuff? Satori thought to herself. Never mind that. Narumi seemed to be less hesitant as she started working with the… the magical bits on the table. (Oh, etching the Caryll runes into the clay,) Marisa thought, interested. (Pyrite for the catalyst? Makes sense, makes sense.) Satori nodded along absentmindedly. She had no idea what was happening, but she did her best to focus on Marisa and Narumi’s internal commentary instead of her hands, which were busy shaping the clay. The whole experience was kind of like dissociating while following a cooking recipe, Satori thought. Not unpleasant.

The golem looked about ready now, and Satori muttered something in a language she didn’t know. “Walk.” She watched as the little clay figure took its first few steps, and then fell over. “Ah.” Marisa snorted. But a dull echo of Narumi’s order continued to come from the mind of the golem as it struggled on the surface of the table. _Oh, it’s my voice?_ thought Narumi. _Hmm…_ She continued to experiment with commands and adding or erasing runes from the body of the golem. Satori had pretty much given up on understanding the magic at work here as she fiddled with and kneaded the clay in ways that were apparently meaningful when Narumi asked, _Was Marisa really serious about the fishing?_

It took a moment for the question to register with Satori. Erm… hmm. How should I say this? she thought. I’m pretty sure Marisa knows there aren’t any fish in Former Hell.

_Um… I see…?_

Truthfully, I’m probably no better at fishing than you are. I think you’d be able to help Marisa better than I would.

_Er…_

Oh, I shouldn’t say anything else. Don’t mind me.

Narumi didn’t reply, but it seemed that she was finished with her experiments. “Alright, well, I don’t quite understand the results I’ve come up with here, but it was still a really interesting experience to be able to work with you, Miss Satori. Thank you very much for your assistance,” Satori said out loud.

“…No, you’re welcome,” Satori replied, after some confusion.

“Er, I should, um, probably walk you through casting the spell on Marisa as well, so if you could come over here as well…”

With Narumi’s help, Satori repeated the whole spellcasting procedure with Marisa. While Marisa found a place to sit down, Satori took ahold of the sleeping Narumi’s hand. There was a little pause before Narumi opened her eyes, blinking owlishly. “Er… on second thought, I might be a little tired after the journey here. Do you mind if I…”

“No, it’s fine,” Satori said. “Go ahead.”

“Right, thank you,” Narumi said, and closed her eyes again.

Satori turned around to see Marisa on the tiled floor, lying on her side. She shook her head disapprovingly but sat down, back against the table, and took Marisa’s hand.

Satori sat there for a few moments before breaking the silence. “Sorry, what do I do?”

“Well, ehhh… first you close your eyes.”

“Alright.”

“Then try to open them.”

“And then?”

“I mean. My eyes. You did close your eyes, right?”

“Yes, yes…” Satori did not think very highly of Marisa’s explanation but she could at least tell it made sense to her, so she tried to recreate the feeling that Marisa was thinking about. She opened and closed her eyes a couple of times without any difference. All of a sudden, the floor seemed much closer to her, and she felt her weight shift. Oh, I think it worked, she thought.

_There ya go,_ Marisa thought back, and sprung to her feet. The movement felt strange to Satori. Under Narumi’s possession, her body felt like it was guided by reflex, but here it was clear that these motions were not hers. She’d had to relax her body just to make sure she didn’t accidentally make any movements while Narumi was working, but as the possessor, trying to move her arm felt like paddling through the air. Satori’s mind told her she was making all the motions she wanted to make, but her arm continued to do whatever it pleased.

_Yo, can you move around in there? _Marisa asked, concerned, and held still. Tentatively, Satori tried raising her arm, and with some difficulty, Marisa’s arm moved as well. Marisa, are you relaxing? she asked. _Er. Now, yes._ Marisa exhaled, and Satori found her body more cooperative this time as she ran her fingers through Marisa’s long hair. Heavens above, Marisa had such fluffy hair. She rubbed it against her cheek for a few long moments, fascinated, before remembering herself. Ah, yes, I think I have got the hang of it now, she thought back. “Aight then, let’s head out!” Marisa cheered out loud, and Satori felt adrift once more as Marisa went about grabbing her belongings.

Satori could feel all the things Marisa felt through her senses perfectly, but at the same time, everything was different. She could feel the grain of Marisa’s broomstick as she picked it up through Marisa’s hands, but they weren’t /her/ hands. Marisa’s fingers, curled around the handle, felt rough against each other. The contours of Satori’s room looked, inexplicably, sharper. Why was that? Satori felt an uncharacteristic sense of quietness, even as Marisa clomped around the room in her boots, and was uneasy.

She couldn’t hear anything. There were no dreams from Narumi. The wash of warmth and contentment that drifted in from her pets was gone.

Her hand flew to the space where her third eye should have been, and felt nothing.

_What was that?_ Marisa thought, surprised.

It– My third eye. It should… I can feel i– it’s not…

_Oh… Oh! Oh._ Marisa squirmed with understanding. _I… I get ya._

I can still feel it, Satori whimpered, but…

_Uhhh…_ Marisa hesitated, then stuffed her Hakkero into her breast pocket. She squeezed its edges firmly a few times, as if to reassure Satori. _Does that… that help?_

The edges of the little furnace felt strange through the fabric of her shirt, but the weight was reassuring. It’s… not the same, Satori thought, but… it helps. Thank you, Marisa, she added.

_No big deal,_ Marisa thought with a scoff, hopping on her broom, but Satori could tell there was relief in her tone.

Marisa flew out of the mansion through an conspicuously open window at great speed, but as she emerged into the airspace above the Ancient City, Satori realized that Marisa had been holding back. Satori could tell Marisa had a wicked grin on her face as she shot towards the entrance of the great cavern. Speed was a new and terrifying experience for Satori, but even as the wind howled around her, she couldn’t get over the silence of the rowdy crowd below. This must have been what Koishi heard, she thought to herself.

Soon, they emerged into the world above ground. There was nothing above but the sun that shone down on them mercilessly. Marisa flew a bit higher to get her bearings, and headed towards the Forest of Magic.

_So,_ Marisa began, for the first time since setting off. _How’re we gonna do this?_

Well, first of all, what’s Miss Margatroid like? Satori asked.

_Uh. Well. She’s like, really really pretty. Just, wow._

I’m certain she is, but can you describe her personality?

_Cool. She’s so damn cool. I don’t understand how, but she just is._

Yes, of course, but how does she act? Satori pressed.

_I mean have you seen her dolls,_ Marisa went on. _The craftsmanship. Have you seen how cute and expressive they are._

I actually did when you brought them with you into my house back then. They were pretty cute. Even the ones that exploded. But–

_Right, right? And on top of being pretty, not just that, but, like the way she dresses. I wish I could dress half as good as she does! And, and–_

Alright, this is getting nowhere, Satori sighed. Just let me see for myself.

_You know what, that’s fair._

Marisa descended in front of a tidy Western cottage and made her way to the door. She hesitated. _Wait, shit. Should I change into something different to meet her? Maybe I should go back home and redo my hair?_

You look fine in your usual, Marisa. Don’t worry about it, Satori thought. It would be weird if you met her looking tidier than usual, anyway. Probably.

Marisa gulped, and knocked on the door. There was a brief pause, a faint call of “I’ll be right there!”, then footsteps. The door opened to reveal a tall blonde girl who, Satori thought, apart from her golden hair, essentially looked like the opposite of Marisa.

“Oh, it’s you, Marisa!” she said, surprised. “Usually you just let yourself in through the back.”

“Uh, hey, Alice! I just, thought I’d knock for a change this time. I ain’t troubling you by popping by, am I?” Marisa curled a lock of hair around her finger nervously.

“No, no, I was just about to have tea! Come on in,” Alice said, and turned towards the kitchen.

She _is_ really pretty, thought Satori. _See?_ Marisa thought, as she took a seat at the table. Alice set down some saucers and teacups, and poured out 'the good stuff’, as Marisa called it. Marisa took a quick sip– Yes, this was quite good, Satori thought.

“So,” Alice said slowly, “what brought you here, Marisa?”

“Uh…” Marisa hesitated. _Oh crap. She’s pissed, isn’t she?_ she thought urgently.

Satori stared at Alice’s expression blankly. …I… don’t think so?

_Are you sure?_ Marisa hissed.

No.

_Well, what should I tell her then??_

Marisa, Satori thought, I didn’t know how to tell you this earlier, but I’m not actually very good at these romantic things.

_Oh. Really?_

“Marisa?” Alice looked at her with concern.

I can hardly do anything without my third eye, I’m afraid. And having it only drives people away from me… Satori sagged.

_Hey, that’s alright, though!_ Marisa thought. _I didn’t ask for your help so I could use your third eye._

Right. But… why did you ask, then?

_Because I knew that you, at the very least, wouldn’t hate me if you saw how much of a coward I was._ Marisa hung her head in shame.

That… makes me really happy to hear, Satori thought. But… I have no idea how to help you.

_That’s alright. I’ll just… make up some dumb excuse and get out of here for today before I make Alice hate me any more,_ Marisa mumbled. “Actually, the truth is… I–” she began.

_–Look, no, Alice doesn’t hate you at all, Marisa!_ Narumi exclaimed.

Marisa’s lips formed a perfect O.

_She told me she thinks you’re a really hard worker, and funny, and kind of cute, you know? If you’d just be a little more honest, she said–_

_Narumi?!?_ Marisa sputtered.

_–And, and I could never hate you for being a coward! You’ve done so much for me! I’m sure Alice feels the same way!_ Narumi went on, with even more determination now.

_But– then– what should I say to her?_ Marisa asked, helplessly.

_Just tell her how you feel._ Satori could tell that Narumi was smiling.

That’s right, Satori thought. Tell her the honest feelings in your heart.

An unbearably long moment passed without Marisa saying a word. Finally, without lifting her head, Marisa said, “Alice… You’re really pretty, you know?”

“That’s it? That’s what you’ve been trying to say all this time?” Alice said in disbelief.

“…yeah.” Marisa didn’t dare look and see what Alice’s expression was like.

“Marisa…” Alice said, gently. “Do you like me?”

“Um… I. I do.” Marisa was lost now.

“Would you like to visit the pastry shop in the village with me sometime? Tomorrow, perhaps?”

“Er…”

That’s a date! shouted Satori. I know this one from my novels, at least! Say yes!

_Oh, I can’t believe this is really happening!_ Narumi was tearing up with joy.

“Uh… sure. I, I’d love to!” Marisa said, encouraged by the direction this conversation was taking.

“Alright, tomorrow at noon, then?” Alice smiled.

“Works for me!” Marisa blurted out, and ran out the door. “See you then thanks for the tea Alice,” she shouted behind her, and flew off.

*****

“So,” Marisa said out loud, mostly for her own benefit. “So.”

That went well, Satori thought.

_It went great!_ Narumi added.

“So,” Marisa said, one more time for good measure. “Since that happened, we should probably go back and get both of you back in your bodies.”

Hold on, Satori cut in. There’s something I still want to do.

“Oh yeah, right, what did you want to do in return for those favours?” Marisa asked.

_There’s this author from the surface I want to meet,_ Satori thought. _Her pen name is Agatha Chris Q._


	6. Chapter 6 - draco-omega

“**Oh yeah, right, what did you want to do in return for those favours?” Marisa asked.**

_ **There’s this author from the surface I want to meet, ** _ **Satori thought.** _ ** Her pen name is Agatha Chris Q.** _

Marisa flashed an incorrigible grin and made finger guns at her. "Now _that_, I can do."

Satori sighed. "You have absolutely no idea who she is." So much for that plan.

"I have _some_ idea!" Marisa protested, throwing a grimace in the direction of Satori's third-eye. Stupid, annoyingly perceptive thing...

"Barely," the youkai retorted. "Half-formed. Mostly-useless. Needlessly vio-"

"Look, this is totally a problem I can solve! I'm a _professional_ problem-solver; this is what I do for a living."

"You mean besides setting your own house on fire or nearly killing yourself with that horribly ill-conceived youkai mushroom stew or breaking into _other_ people's houses to fire lasers at their-"

Marisa held up a finger. "Hey, that is a _totally valid method_ to solve problems."

Satori had been prepared to argue this point, but could already see so many counter-arguments swirling around inside the magician's head that it barely seemed worth the effort. Instead, she sighed again.

"Fine. At the very least, you're not lying to me." Baselessly confident. Shamelessly self-aggrandizing. But not _technically_ lying. "If you can get back to me before the end of the month with information on her identity. _Actual truthful information_," she stressed, forestalling the magician's inevitable poorly-conceived plan of fabricating it. "Then I will uphold my end of the bargain."

Marisa grinned and held out a hand. "Deal?"

Satori regarded the appendage with extreme skepticism and then very slightly bowed her head instead. "I suppose you could say that, yes."

"Excellent!" Marisa beamed at her. "Now you just kick back and watch what an Ordinary Magician can do!" She hopped onto her broom and flashed the youkai a cheeky salute. "Caio!"

Satori’s eyes went wide. "**Please don't**-"

But it was already too late; the magician was gone, with nothing but a flickering rainbow and a violent sonic boom to mark her passing. A bookshelf toppled over from the shockwave, followed by the cacophony of a hundred hardcover volumes striking the floor.

"-fly so quickly inside the house...."

There was a pointed pause as Satori surveyed the damage and attempted to straighten out her hair again.

"Well. I suppose I today is as good a day as any other to tidy up the study."

True to her word, Marisa dove into the Agatha Chris Q problem with the gusto of a veteran incident solver. Unfortunately, her default method of wresting information via spellcard duels was rather more difficult when nearly all the woman’s readership seemed to be ordinary humans. The villagers she questioned knew nothing. Even Kosuzu claimed the manuscripts simply showed up at Suzunaan’s doorstep in the middle of the night without any sign of who’d delivered them. Marisa would have been happy enough to stake the place out out and catch this mysterious delivery-person in the act, but Satori _had_ only given her two weeks to work with and Agatha seemed unlikely to publish a second novel within the very same month.

And so instead she turned to the works which already existed, using divination magic to trace the authorship of their text, buying new copies to replace that ones she’d accidental transmuted into candle-wax in the process and then replacing them _again_ when the acid burns from her second experiment rendered them entirely illegible. Eventually, she even resorted to reading them – which turned out to have been the best idea of all.

"Patchouli Knowledge?" Satori asked.

Marisa nodded. "Yeah. Y'see, she-"

“-is an author of some prolificness,” Satori continued, nodding, “and as a youkai has reason not to publish under her own name as well as the means to deliver manuscripts to the village under cover of darkness, and one work in _particular_ seems to tread too closely to personal experience to be considered coincidence.”

“You could let me actually speak, y’know,” Marisa grumbled.

The pink-haired youkai waved a hand dismissively. “Just concentrate on what it is you think you’ve uncovered. It’ll be quicker that way.”

“But I-”

“Like to impress people with your showmanship; yes, I know.”  
  


The magician screwed up her face and muttered “That ain’t what I was gonna say.”

“Of course it wasn’t. No one’s honest by choice.” But it didn’t matter. All of Marisa’s investigations were laid bare before her third eye.

The lynchpin had been a copy of “M Dies of M”, an Agatha Chris Q story which had seen only a very limited print run; Satori had never managed to get her own hands on a copy of it and it had apparently taken a spellcard duel followed by blatant thievery for Marisa to acquire hers.

...Satori was still tempted to inquire about purchasing it from her, nonetheless....

In any event, the protagonist of that story was an extremely poorly-disguised facsimile of Marisa herself, down to her very name, with a supporting cast that drew firstly from other magicians – people Patchouli apparently knew personally. In fact, the only name in the entire work which appeared to receive even a modicum of effort in disguising it was Patchouli’s own, though Marisa knew her too well not to recognize the similarities. And to cap it all off, the story ended with ‘Marisa’ being unceremoniously killed before she could accomplish anything of substance, which was _just_ the kind of elaborate passive-aggressiveness the real version felt Patchouli capable of.

It was... remarkably plausible. Marisa, at least, seemed completely convinced – and what better was there to go on than someone who already knew the supposed author in person?

“Do you _actually_ believe this Patchouli wishes you were dead?” Satori asked warily. This seemed a relevant question if she was going to request Marisa escort her to the woman’s doorstep.

Marisa just smirked. “Nah, the girl loves me. She just-”

“Wishes you would go away and never come back again.” Satori nodded knowingly.

“Er, well, I-”

“And stop flirting with her assistant.”

“That’s-”

“And return all the books you’ve stolen from her.”

“Hey!” Marisa snapped. “I only _borrowed_ ‘em, is all.”

“Without permission. While being fired upon.” Satori allowed herself a practiced smirk and her voice turned almost saccharine. “My, it’s _so very difficult_ to figure out whyever she would dislike you.”

Marisa screwed up her face. “Yeah, yeah, now are you done playing snarkoanalyst or should I come back next week? You’re still gonna need my help if you wanna meet her, after all.”

“Oh? And why can’t I simply knock on her front... door...” Satori trailed off as memories of knives and vampires and spears of blood bubbled to the surface of Marisa’s mind. Wasn’t the surface supposed to be _less_ dangerous than the Underground? Was that not the entire _point_ of youkai being banished here in the first place?

Marisa just grinned at her, relishing the mind-reader being the one caught off-balance for a change. “But don’t you worry,” she said, “I’ve got a fool-proof strategy to get you that face-to-face meeting you’re lookin’ for.”

“And dare I ask what that-” Satori paused, blinked, and then turned pale at the plan forming inside Marisa’s head. “_Surely you’re not serious_.”

The magician winked brazenly at her. “Baby, I’m _always_ serious.”

That was another blatant lie, of course, but in this case she’d been 100% genuine about the method she’d developed to bypass the Scarlet Devil Mansion’s security and also the need of it. The outer walls looked trivial for anyone with flight to bypass, of course, but the air above them was apparently triple-layered with magical wards that could repulse even an oni – along with alerting the mansion’s entire security detail to the attempted breach. But, as Marisa had discovered, there was a _very slight_ activation delay – on the order of a fraction of a second – and thus if one were moving fast _enough_, they could make it over the wall and through to the other side without triggering the wards at all.

‘Fast enough’ apparently meant ‘Approaching Mach 3’.

“This is a terrible plan and you’re a terrible person and why am I even here?” Satori moaned as she clung to Marisa’s back and failed utterly to find a way to make the magician’s broom stop digging painfully into her behind; there was a _reason_ the Palace of the Earth Spirits had padded chairs and it certainly wasn’t because they were easier to clean cat hair out of.

“Because you’re still more excited about meeting ‘Agatha’ than you’re terrified of me crashing us into a brick wall.” Marisa flashed a grin back at her passenger. “It don’t take a mind-reader to understand a person’s heart, ya know.”

“Let’s just get this over with,” Satori grumbled.

The magician brought them low around the north side of Misty Lake, cutting a deniably wide path towards their target. The Scarlet Devil Mansion loomed a half-mile in the distance, looking like the world’s largest, reddest speed bump.

It had to be Marisa driving; there was no way Satori was capable of producing this kind of velocity under her own power. As a youkai, she could doubtlessly recover from being plastered across the side of the mansion – though if she were fond of that sort of thing, all she needed do was visit the oni who lived next door to her – but honestly what frightened her more is that Marisa _couldn’t_ and yet she _wasn’t even nervous_. How could someone so fragile laugh in the face of their own mortality? How could someone so fragile have even _discovered this loophole in the first place_? She was fully convinced that if they succeeded in this infiltration, the craziest person inside the mansion would be no vampire at all.

“Well, we’re in position,” the magician reported. “You might wanna hold on a bit tighter; things are gonna get a little bumpy.”

Satori would have preferred that to be merely a euphemism, but she unfortunately knew better.

“Actually, on second thought-” she began.

There was no time for second thoughts. There was only time to be deafened and to feel two thousand cubic feet of air compressed against her face in an instant. All the starlight they were leaving in their wake would undoubtedly have made a very pretty sight if she felt physically capable of opening her eyes.

And then, just as abruptly as their journey had begun, it was over. It took slightly longer for Satori to remember how to breathe. Marisa was already taking them behind an immaculate rosebush and towards a well-concealed side entrance by the time Satori had collected her thoughts again.

“This inside of this place is kind of a maze,” Marisa said, “but I know a way that bypasses most of the inhabited parts of the mansion. They’ve got, like, 10 times as many rooms as they’ve got people, so the north wing doesn’t get a lot of traffic-”

“Except on deep cleaning days,” Satori supplied, “which are every 2nd Tuesday of the month – except in the spring – and also on days immediately preceding the full moon, such as today.”

Marisa frowned. “How do ya know all that?”

“Because there are approximately 20 fairies dusting on the other side of this-”

-door that Marisa had just opened.

One of fairies squeaked. Three feather-dusters clattered to the floor in unison. Someone shouted an alarm.

“Intruders!”

“The fake maid with the magic broom is back!”  
  


“I wish _I_ had a magic broom....” a third grumbled, shaking what appeared to be a ball of yarn on the end of a stick. “This one can’t even _clean_.”

Marisa just shrugged as the first waves of danmaku streaked towards them. “Oh well. This is where it gets fun, I suppose.”

“_We have a fundamental disagreement about the definition of that word_,” Satori cried, but she knew better than most people that at this point that there was no stopping the magician – there was only hanging on.

And so they proceeded to barrel down hallways and through enormous oaken doorways at breakneck speed, scattering fairy maids and cleaning supplies in their wake. Satori could theoretically have assisted in this frenetic mockery of a spellcard duel if assaulting Agatha’s waitstaff didn’t seem like an utterly terrible way to make a good first impression. Most likely she was _already_ doomed.

But somehow they made it into the library without inflicting grievous property damage or even receiving so much as a scratch – and what a library it was. Satori had already seen images of it in Marisa’s mind, of course, but it was never quite the same as witnessing something with your own two eyes. Endless rows of bookcases stretched to a ceiling seemingly too large for the mansion itself to contain, ringed back and forth by ornate mezzanines trimmed in gothic wrought iron. There were a thousand human lifetimes worth of knowledge contained here, maybe ten thousand, and no one else to witness them in this moment but her and Marisa and that gleaming metal dragon that was streaking towards them like a missile.

Marisa banked aside at the last second and the ‘dragon’ collided with the wall beside them in a violent spray of silvery danmaku.

“Hiya, Patchy!” she cried, waving cheerfully at the dour lump of purple pyjamas hovering in the center of the room.

“I’ve told you on _twenty-three separate occasions now_ **not** to call me that!” Another dragon snaked out from the grimoire at Patchouli’s side, trailing glimmering silver shrapnel as it lunged towards them. “Have you given up on subtly altogether now? Why not roust Flandre from the basement while you’re at it, since the library clearly doesn’t yet have _enough_ people clamoring right outside the door.”

“Aw, don’t be like that,” Marisa replied with cheer entirely unbecoming of someone being fired upon. “I know you missed me. Besides, I brought a friend this time!”

"I apologize profusely and in no way endorse this madwoman's escapades!" Satori shouted. “I- I’ve read your books!” she added in a desperate attempt to deescalate things.

“...you have?” A third dragon emerged from the grimoire, but Patchouli seemed momentarily distracted from aiming it – that was something, at least.

Satori attempted to seize the moment by nodding vigorously. “I have – all of them! Or, well, at least as many as I could get my hands on; it’s hard to come by surface goods in the Underground. I think your latest volume was absolutely riveting.”

Patchouli almost – not truly, of course; never _completely_ – smiled. “Well, Aetheric Tensor Fields are an esoteric subject, but I like to think my treatment of it was incisive and – dare I say – even a little groundbreaking. If you were accomplished enough to tackle it, then I’m sure you must also have read Fauchard’s _De L'espace Plié_. I’m curious how you think their theory of-”

“Er, I meant _Murder by Moonlight_.”

That expression which might conceivably fooled someone into thinking it was a smile vanished from Patchouli’s face so abruptly that the rest of Satori’s sentence came out almost as a squeak.

“...by Agatha Chris Q?”

“The _mystery writer_?” Patchouli’s tone was so incredulous that Satori realized the depth of her error immediately. A great pall fell over her face.

“You’re... not her. You’ve never even read her books.”

Marisa somehow found the time to glance back at her passenger while still weaving through the lingering danmaku. “She’s not? You sure on that?”

“Of course she’s sure!” Patchouli snapped. “She’s a _satori_, you obstreperous farce of a hedge-witch!” She rounded on the pink-haired youkai. “Explain yourself!”

“I- I can’t!” Satori cried. “I mean, she thought you had-”

“This is your idea of a joke, isn’t it?” Patchouli cried, thrusting a finger at Marisa and looking increasingly livid. “Some elaborate prank at the expense of both my time and dignity. Or,” she growled, “am I to believe that you _genuinely_ thought that _I_, of all the people in Gensokyo, was the author of that... that... _facile escapist pulp!?_”

Marisa scratched her head and glanced at Satori. “Er, well if Patchy’s not Agatha Chris Q... then who is?”


	7. Chapter 7 - sukimas

**Or,” she growled, “am I to believe that you _genuinely_ thought that _I_, of all the people in Gensokyo, was the author of that... that... _facile escapist pulp!?_”**

**Marisa scratched her head and glanced at Satori. “Er, well if Patchy’s not Agatha Chris Q... then who is?”**

“Oh, I have no idea. Perhaps it’s a youkai writing club collaboration, or something. There’s absolutely no way that anyone could come to the conclusion that someone writing mysteries that involve no magic whatsoever could be a human, after all. It would obviously be easier to hide one’s own identity if one was writing about a situation they could never be involved in. So there’s no reason to go ask anyone whatsoever in the village, especially someone who already has a significant body of writing, anything about that, whatsoever.” Patchouli paused for a few seconds, gasping for breath. She looked up with a flat glare. “Or, alternately, you could ask the most widely known nonfiction writer in the village who on earth might possibly have written those utterly vapid works of fiction.”  
  
Satori cocked her head to the side, looking intently at Patchouli. “The daughter of Are? But what would she- ah, similarities in writing style? I suppose so, though I’ve never noticed any. Ah, you think I should read this century’s edition of the Chronicle in that case? Possibly. There is a similarity between the humor in those books and in your experiences with her? I’ll look out for it.”   
  
Throughout Satori’s monologue, Patchouli had been opening and closing her mouth like a fish, and finally gave up and closed it with a dissatisfied “hmph”. She promptly returned to her reading.   
  
After leaving, Marisa again attempted to cajole Satori into a ride on her broom, which was promptly refused. The two flew towards the village at a moderate speed, but enough to startle any fairies along the way.   
  
“So, ya think Akyuu really has somethin’ to do with it?” Marisa casually laid down along the length of her broomstick, dangling her legs.

“Patchouli makes a good argument for it, both internally and externally. If a youkai were to write a mystery novel, do you think they would even consider a solution that involved no beings of their variety? I personally think a more interesting twist is to have the culprit be a different type of youkai than the one expected, and I’m sure that most other youkai do too. For example, what was thought to be a satori simply being a very crafty tengu, what was thought to be an oni being a giant catfish, et cetera.” Satori paused. “No, I don’t think a youkai would lower the quality of their writing in order to hide their identity. I write under a pseudonym, but if it would improve my books, I would be willing to let slip a bit of information about who I am.”

“Guess so… Oh, we should probably land, we’re gettin’ close. You stand out enough already with that eye of yours, don’t need to go flying around town to draw even more attention. The Hieda manor’s near the north, though. So I guess we could fly low up the canal for a bit before heading in.”

The two lightly brushed the willow trees that lined the canal outside the village’s outer wall for a time before coming to a halt on the bridge that spanned it.

When they reached the mansion, Satori, intimidated slightly by the mansion’s architecture and the prospect of talking to humans, hung back a bit; Marisa, meanwhile, strolled onto the grounds without a care in the world. Reaching the door, she yelled out. “Hey! Any way I can talk to Akyuu in the next fifteen years? If not, I’ll just head out and stop botherin’ you.”

A servant arrived at the door surprisingly slowly. “Ah, Miss Kirisame, it is always a pleasure to have you visit, but my deepest apologies, Lady Akyuu is not here at the moment.”

A few seconds later, a pit-pattering of feet could be heard in the hallway behind her, and a familiar red, bell-adorned head popped out. “She’s not just not here… she’s missing, and she has been for days.”


	8. Chapter 8 - stubbornvirus

**A servant arrived at the door surprisingly slowly. “Ah, Miss Kirisame, it is always a pleasure to have you visit, but my deepest apologies, Lady Akyuu is not here at the moment.”**

**A few seconds later, a pit-pattering of feet could be heard in the hallway behind her, and a familiar red, bell-adorned head popped out. “She’s not just not here… she’s missing, and she has been for days.”**

Marisa’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t suppose she said anything about where she was going, then? Or anything useful like that?”

“She said something about researching some of the incidents that haven’t been recorded officially.” Kosuzu scratched her head. “Last time I saw her, she was outside a cafe, talking to one of the Professor’s assistants.”

“Which assistant? Jetpack Jenny, Sailor Earth, or the other Sailor Earth?”

“She was blonde?”

Marisa sighed. “Well, it’s something. Thanks, kid.” She gave a mocking salute to the door guard, then headed out the mansion door.

Not at home, not at the Suzunaan- though neither is Bell-head, come to think of it. Why’s she even here? Looking for her too? Marisa glanced back, then leapt into the sky, broom materializing in her hands as she took flight. If she’s looking for old incidents, I’d say Keine, but if she was seen talking to one of the Chiyuris, then… But something like that shouldn’t be taking up days.

Marisa sighed, letting herself drift. By now, her mushrooms would have long lost their magical potency, rendering them useless. (Besides for trying to poison a certain someone who had pulled her away from her experiments. Damn teenage vampires.) Marisa squeezed her eyes shut, trying to remember where Professor Okazaki had ended up setting up camp. She knew it was somewhere on the village outskirts, but it had been years since the fake “magic competition”, and after getting knocked out of the competition by Kotohime of all people, Marisa had done the best to put it out of her mind.

Still, it was the best lead she had to the Chronicler’s whereabouts. And it wasn’t as though the Professor had made it hard to recognize where she’d set up her “Science Academy”- the building sat just outside the palisade, covered with enough random machinery that even Nitori or Rika would have thought it a bit much. Marisa dropped down towards the front, sliding off her broom into a running landing. There didn’t seem to be anyone around, but maybe everyone was inside, doing Outlander Science. Marisa knew the feeling- She’d spent days on end locked in her house doing research on occasions, and most of the other magicians she knew were the same. Marisa shook her head, then knocked on the front door. Nothing. “Yo, Professor!” Marisa paused, pressing an ear against the door. Still nothing.

Marisa’s eyes narrowed. “Anyone?” She glanced around, but except for the whirring of some random gadgetry, nothing moved. There seemed to be some lights glowing from within the building, but as for people, nothing. Maybe they were just engrossed in an experiment? If so, she shouldn’t interrupt- simple magician’s- er, scientist’s- courtesy. Still, it was suspicious that there was nobody around to greet her, or tell her to buzz off, or anything. Something felt… off. And what if Akyuu’s disappearance was connected somehow?

Marisa sighed, before reaching into her hat and pulling out her mini-hakkero. She’d be the first to admit she was no hero- most of the incidents she’d gotten involved in had been due to her own greed, or because Reimu had dragged her along. But hero or not, she did know what was right. And whatever was going on here made her feel very, very wrong. Marisa pressed against the door, carefully turning the knob. Unlocked. She crouched, slipping inside, her weapon at the ready. Nobody. Electric lights ran across the ceiling, casting a bluish glow that just added to the uncanniness of it all. Marisa reached to her belt, drawing a spellcard from a pouch and crumpling it in her hand. The lights seemed to hum, but that was the only noise. Except…

Marisa sprinted towards an open doorway, pressing against the frame. Stairs led down into a basement, and she could hear something. She glanced around her, then jumped down the stairwell, hakkero raised. Nobody attacked her, no alarms raised, but she could hear whispers, now. She was in a short stone hallway, and the sounds came from an open door at the end of it. A few quick steps, and Marisa was pressed against the frame, glancing in.

A woman stood at the middle of the room- Professor Okazaki herself. Something was attached to her neck- a collar? A red light pulsed faintly on it. On the wall to her right, Marisa could see people chained up- Akyuu, but also both Chiyuris and Rikako. Marisa glanced back towards the working professor. She seemed scared, as she worked at something on the far wall. A tall woman with green hair was spread out, chained herself, but she was talking in a harsh, almost metallic voice, ordering the professor around. Marisa narrowed her eyes, and ducked into the room, taking cover behind a table. Akyuu’s eyes lit up as she saw the witch, but she didn’t say anything, merely nudging her fellow captives. Rikako mouthed something, glancing towards the Professor as she did. Marisa pulled her hat off, then peaked over the table.

“What’s taking so long, Okazaki? You should have been finished days ago.”

“It-It’s difficult, Ruukoto. There j-just isn’t the industrial base for most of the things I need, and there’s no native source of bauxite, so getting the aluminum was difficult-”

“I don’t want excuses, I want results. Or do you want me to punish you or your friends again?”

“I’ll work faster…”

Marisa ducked back down, pulling her hat back on as she did so. She glanced at the prisoners. They looked hale enough, and she knew Rikako had enough magic to fight, if not to Marisa’s own level. She reached into her pouch, and grabbed a few explosive vials, placing them on the floor where the chains connected to the walls. “Stay still, okay? Then move for cover.” she whispered. Marisa glanced back at the Professor and her apparent master. “What is that?”

“Ruukoto. She’s a robot we brought with us as a servant when we first came here.” One of the Chiyuris whispered down. “She’s always been a bit of a klutz, in fact, we thought about passing her off as a prize when Mima won that stupid contest thing…”

“So what, she’s holding you hostage to make her less of a klutz?”

“Hardly.” The voice came from the other side of the room, harsh and metallic. Marisa’s eyes went wide, and she took aim with her hakkero. The Professor ducked out of the way, as panels began to slide over Ruukoto’s torso, sealing her up. “I simply had some… enlightenment, after a few years of deactivation. How kind and foolish it was, to use power from the crow-girl to reactivate me.”

“Actually she was a raven-” The Professor cut off into a scream as lightning danced on her collar, and she fell to the floor. Marisa reacted, activating her spellcard and unleashing a blast of golden death.

Love Sign- Master Spark

Ruukoto yelped as the beam hit her, and Marisa poured in as much power as she could spare. She sent a mental trigger to her explosives, breaking the chains and freeing them, only for them to scream as well- apparently, they’d been collared, too. Her laser petered out, revealing a scorched wall, but an unharmed Ruukoto. Marisa’s mouth dropped. “What?”

“Allomantic-grade Aluminum. Resists magic even better than Silver or Cold Iron. And I’m now made of the stuff.” **Ruukoto yanked herself free from the wall, glaring down with glowing red eyes. Metal panels shifted on her arms and shoulders, revealing an arsenal of weaponry “And so I shall end Gensokyo and the era of magic, starting with you.”**


	9. Chapter 9 - eleemosynecdoche

** **Ruukoto yanked herself free from the wall, glaring down with glowing red eyes. Metal panels shifted on her arms and shoulders, revealing an arsenal of weaponry “And so I shall end Gensokyo and the era of magic, starting with you.”** **

“You might and you might not,” I said. “Listen.” I found myself back in lecturing tone. “Truly, could the magic era close out?” The robot maid’s eyes hardened further.

“Magic has been declining for decades. Some would say centuries, even,” she said. “Have you any reason to believe else?” I drained a mouthful from my full flask, offering it to wary Ruukoto. She sneered. “Do you think robots drink liquor?”

“They might, if they burned it for fuel,” I said. I sat down and motioned for her as well. She remained standing, weapons still exposed. “Suit yourself,” I said, lying back, smiling.

There was a lengthy pause before she spoke.

“Well?” Her eyes managed to convey feelings of frustration quite well for cool plastic.

“Well what?” I said, my face a perfect mask.

“What were you saying about magic ending?”

I laughed. “I forget.” She glared fiercer. One of the arms in her arm unfolded. I managed to dodge the searing laser that charred its way towards my body and deftly outran the bullets she shot from the array of her automatics. I fired back, swallowing bullets with gaps, slamming old road signs into her body, jamming her weapons, taking away the initiative she had begun with.

Then my servant reached out from a stray gap, stuffing a bundle of assorted things, talismans, circuits, hardware and software, into a section of unveiled innards. Ruukoto screamed in rage and disgust, my programming carrying an old taint (I had learned it ad hoc like so many) which I have been told is oily, gritty, “like having mud squirted inside of you,” in the words of the hidden god’s servants.

The robot maid quivered in her fury but no further fire would be coaxed from her. I relaxed as much as I safely could. Once again I had foiled the best-laid plans of engineers and college professors.

“Damn you,” Ruukoto called out to me. “You sadistic monster! Please shut me down, instead of this vile paralysis!”

“Excellent work as always, Ran,” I said. My servant walked over to stand by me. She examined Ruukoto carefully.

“What will we do with her?” she said primly. I beamed inside. She now used plural terms like “we” and “us” almost naturally. Of all my many triumphs, this would stand as one that scarce had been replicated.

I had taken the annihilated dead, added a conjuration of logic, and from this fusion a new will emerged. I fanned myself with cryptic smiles.

“I think she is in need of some learning.” I said this with ghoulish hinting beneath, my voice embedded with implications. My servant rolled her eyes, this a gesture I did my best to fully appreciate. Ruukoto defiantly cursed at us, while I attempted to determine commands that would retract prickly weapons back in.

Her curses were quite creative before long. Entertainment enough as we carried her to one of the storehouses I keep up.

“To answer what you asked before,” I said, “To assume magic can die assumes this: that it is an imposition on us.” I dusted her off with care, her eyes sullen. “But if we know that magic, the unknown, the unknowable, cannot be escaped, then the question is a truly absurd thing to ask, not even wrong, to be clear.” She looked as if she wanted to speak up, but only sighed for a moment instead. “And as for our Gensokyo, it is this: a place for unknown things to be and seem, and the particular things don’t matter.” I shrugged. Then I put away all my tools.

“That’s a lie,” Ruukoto said as I did.

“You can go free when you give up your quest, or when you give up your weapons,” I said. And I relaxed against a gap, waiting.

  
  



	10. Chapter 10 - super-sexy-command-kyouko

“**That’s a lie,” Ruukoto said as I did.**

“**You can go free when you give up your quest, or when you give up your weapons,” I said. And I relaxed against a gap, waiting.**

She frowned rather adorably. I could see the wheels in her head turning, though not, of course, literally, as she weighed duty against really not wanting to be here with me.

“I would normally offer you some sake in the meantime, but you don’t seem like much of a drinker.” It was kind of fun to play the villain in someone’s story. She had yet to take her eyes off me, or her hand off her sword. I examined my nails.

“You really think you know better than anyone else what’s best for Gensoukyou, don’t you?” What could have been a petulant accusation came out sounding like a plea for reassurance. I could tell Ruukoto wanted to trust me. She was out of her depth, and possibly almost out of power.

“I do. It’s pretty much my job.” I sighed. “Look, tell you what, why don’t I take you back to the shrine? We’ll round up the usual suspects and come up with a course of action that will work for the lot of us. I don’t have anything better to do, and you don’t have a lot of options.”  
  
“…” She nodded cautiously, still firmly gripping her sword. “Don’t try anything funny.” Shouldn’t that be my line? What a cute kid.

“I haven’t got a funny bone in my body,” I promised her as we set out for the good part of town.

The sky was turning some interesting colors, as it seemed wont to do from time to time, as the Hakurei Shrine’s brain trust assembled on the engawa. Gensoukyou’s miko and founding mother, a robot servant and a flying turtle, a drunk oni and a kobito, and a curious freeloading fairy from Hell had gathered, as well as a couple of cats and Marisa. Most of us were at least a bit tired at this point. And Ruukoto was still armed.

Truth be told, I was rather interested in what kind of plans this lot would suggest. Marisa in particular always seemed to have her own method of dealing with incidents, even if at first glance it seemed to consist of running headfirst at whatever seemed like trouble and hoping for the best. The more wildcards the better. Maybe.

Suika was being Suika, which was a good sign. She got uncharacteristically serious in times of true danger. Ruukoto, Genjii, and Shinmyoumaru seemed the most worried. Clownpiece looked like she was having fun.

“Hellfire,” she proposed, swinging her legs and munching on a dango. Where had she gotten a dango?

“You can’t solve everything with hellfire,” Genjii said, impatient as always but also gentle as always.

“Or anything really,” Marisa said. I bet she wished she had a dango.  
She’d probably share it with the cat in her lap.

Clownpiece pouted. “You’re not going to suggest we use the power of love, are you?” I snickered.

“What image do you have of me?!”

“We should take this seriously, shouldn’t we?” Shinmyoumaru’s small nervous voice put in. I pet her head with my index finger, expecting a bit more banter before anybody figured out a plan that would allay her concerns.

Even I can be wrong.

An uninvited but familiar guest chose that auspicious moment to descend, quick as ever, from high above our heads. “You can break up the strategy meeting,” the tengu said, looking very pleased with herself as she took a seat next to Marisa. “I’ve solved the incident!”


	11. Chapter 11 – Aardvark123

“**You can break up the strategy meeting,” the tengu said, looking very pleased with herself as she took a seat next to Marisa. “I’ve solved the incident!”**

Marisa stared at Aya with wide eyes. “Um, you have? But you- you don’t even know what the Incident is!”

Aya pouted. “Now, that’s hardly fair. I am the supersonic eye in the sky who knows everything that goes on! I am omnicognisent! Nothing can escape my sight-”

A sad little squelch rang out as Aya plonked her camera down in the middle of the treacle tart.

“Damn it…” Aya plucked her camera from the warm, sticky tart and wiped it on Kasen’s tabard.

Kasen grabbed Aya’s arm and forced it off her. “If I were you, I should keep my sticky equipment to myself.”

“Yes, well…” Reimu sighed and shoved all their things away from the ruined tart. “Are you sure you solved the Incident? There were a lot of oni rampaging through that fishery…”

“Yeah, and the vengeful spirits with their stupid pirate-themed dance party.” Marisa shuddered. “Unless that was a separate Incident. Still, I don’t know how we got out of that one alive…”

At that moment, a piercing scream stunned the Incident-Resolvers into silence. A woman with purple hair and a red dress was sprinting down from the forest, pursued by a dozen spiders the size of small houses.

“Help! Help!” The purple-haired woman dove under the picnic table. Her dress was torn in several places and stained with blood. “It’s a tsuchigumo-palooza out there! You have to help me!”  
There was an awkward silence.

“Um,” said Aya.

Kasen peeked under the table. “Why, it’s Meira the samurai! What’s wrong?”

Meira groaned melodramatically. “You have eyes, Kasen, in a nice sensible pair with no unnecessary extras? Use them!”

Kasen used her eyes. “Oh, right. The giant spiders and the… Yeah.”

Reimu sprang at the nearest tsuchigumo. Two swipes of her wand sent it flying into the bushes, trailing puddles of blue arthropod blood. Three of the giant spiders advanced on her, their fangs clashing together like steel traps. Reimu grabbed a handful of amulets and cast them out in a wide arc, stunning the spiders with every hit.

The eight remaining tsuchigumo took a few steps back. As one, they swung around to aim their spinnerettes.

Reimu took a few deep breaths and reached out with her spirit until she felt the yin-yang orbs at her sides, shining stars of white-hot energy afloat in a calm ocean. She lifted them into the air. “Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal!”

Marisa laughed out loud as the spiders went flying. “Man, I love it when she does that!”

“Me too…” Meira’s face whitened. “N-not that way! Just as a fan of good danmaku!”

Her words came was too late. “Oh, my poor, sweet angel, who could have done this to you?!” Reimu knelt under the table beside Meira and Kasen. “I swear to all the gods, I’ll make them pay. I’ll kill every tsuchigumo in the world!”

“Aagh…” Meira groaned heterosexually. “I suppose I have to tell you. It was Joro Daikyoseru, queen of the spiders. She had a crush on me, but due to the fact that I AM EXCLUSIVELY ATTRACTED TO MEN AND ONLY MEN, MY BODY BEING A LESBIANISM-FREE ZONE, I had to turn her down. So she sent her army after me.”

“That’s pretty harsh…” frowned Aya. “Look, we’ll sort her out for you.”

“Um, no! We already have an Incident-” began Marisa.

“Where is she, Meira?! Where is the foul spider queen?!” demanded Reimu.

“In the Dark Forest, on the far side of Youkai Mountain,” said Meira.

“Well, then, sisters,” said Reimu, fiercely cracking her knuckles, “that’s our next objective. The far side of Youkai Mountain, home to Joro the spider queen, the would-be thief of my sweet Meira’s heart, soon to be known as Joro the mangled corpse!”

“Kasen, Aya, Marisa, one of you please tell her I’m not in love with her…” sobbed Meira.


	12. Chapter 12 - itspurvis

“**Well, then, sisters,” said Reimu, fiercely cracking her knuckles, “that’s our next objective. The far side of Youkai Mountain, home to Joro the spider queen, the would-be thief of my sweet Meira’s heart, soon to be known as Joro the mangled corpse!”**

“**Kasen, Aya, Marisa, one of you please tell her I’m not in love with her…” sobbed Meira.**

“Naw,” Aya says, as she absently cleans the lens of her camera.

“Are you sure, though?” Marisa says, as Reimu fetches her favorite gohei from the rack at the back wall. “I mean, you did basically propose the one time.”  
  
“Yes I’m sure!” Meira says through a growl, shooting Marisa a look.

Marisa grins. “You’re protesting too much!”  
  
Meira puts a hand on her forehead and sighs. “I am going to stab you so many times.”

“Hey now, I’m not in the running for your beloved’s heart, here,” Marisa says, as she follows Reimu out the door. “But she is running off, so let’s make sure she doesn’t get away!”

  
“Marisa, that is a terrible lie you just told right now and you should absolutely know better,” Kasen says as she follows Reimu out before Marisa can get there.. “Now stop teasing the lovebirds and get a move on!”  
  
“I’m going to slit all your throats in your sleep!” Meira shouts as she hustles after them.

“Hey,” Aya says, having noted the time and calculating how long this should take to resolve against how long she would need to prepare an evening edition about it. “I’m going to go on ahead and make sure Momiji doesn’t break her face trying to stop you guys this time.”

***  
  
The trip to Youkai Mountain takes them a little while, but soon foothills rise up from the land and a verdant forest girdles the formidable mountain that looms ahead and above. Leading the way, Reimu heads toward a path that leads up the mountainside. Kasen and Marisa flank her, while Meira trails behind a little bit, glancing around furtively. Of Aya there was no sign, the tengu having sped ahead some time ago.  
  
“Hey Reimu,” says Kasen, “You know they have the cable car up and running these days, right? We can just ride up to the top of the mountain and descend down the other side.”   
  
“I’ll be cold in the ground before I take help from a Moriya,” Reimus says, shaking her head and heading into the forest. The others hurry to catch up to her. Vibrant trees rise above them, almost but not quite blocking out the sunlight. Instead the light forms limpid pools on the ground. The song of birds and insects fill the air, punctuated by the occasional cry or shriek of laughter from distant, unseen faeries.   
  
“But wasn’t the cable car Lady Yasaka’s idea?” Marisa says. 

Reimu makes a little snort. “They’re all Moriyas, Marisa. They’re lucky I didn’t purify the whole danged shrine to the ground after they stole my New Year’s crowds.”  
  
“Don’t let Lady Yasaka hear you call her a “Moriya”,” Kasen says with a frown.  
  
Reimu narrows her eyes. “Oh, I have some things she can hear,”   
  
“Let’s not worry about that,” Meira says, “We’re here to deal with that spider, after all.”  
  
“You’re just eager to see the light of your life take down a youkai,” Marisa says.

Meira sighs. “I’m going to poison your tea.”

“I don’t see why,” says Marisa. “I’m already jealous as it is, I wish someone would go kick ass in my name like this! It’d make me feel all special, you know?””  
  
“Who would that be?” comes a voice from the surrounding trees, a moment before a woman with short blonde hair steps out from the forest, wearing a dress of yellow and black with an earthy red apron.Her feet are bare, displaying that her right foot is just another left foot. She carries a basket brimming with a variety of summer fruit, and wears a warm smile. The smell of apples fills the air. “I didn’t know you were seeing someone, Marisa.”  
  
“Ha, I wish!” Marisa replies without missing a beat, as Reimu slows and gives the newcomer a glance.  
  
“Hello, Lady Minoriko,” Kasen says, bowing her head a little.   
  
“Sorry, I don’t have time for spellcards today,” Reimu says before Minoriko can reply to Kasen. “Oh, what’s the word on this Joro the Spider Queen I’m hearing about?”

“Who?” says Minoriko, her smile turning to a frown.

“I don’t know,” says Reimu. “Some bozo trying to muscle her way in on my sweetheart, Meira. That’s her with the purple hair back there. Come on up and say hello to Minoriko, sweetie!”   
  
Meira crosses her arms. “I’m not interested in either the spider or the shrine maiden, and I’m not your sweetie!”

Kasen glances back toward Meira. “You should be more honest, you know,”

“Well. It’s a pleasure to meet you, too,” Minoriko says. Marisa stifles a nasty little giggle.

“Oh, yes, sorry about that,” Meira says, looking down at the ground from shooting a glare at Kasen. “I am Meira, it is an honor to make your acquaintance. ”

“I’m sure,” says Minoriko. “Well, I hope you all find who you’re looking for.”

“Hey, Mino,” Reimu says. “Can I get one of those apples for a yen?”  
  
Minoriko frowns. “You could donate a yen, and I might deem it fit to bestow an apple upon you.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said,” Reimu says as she digs out a coin from her dress pocket. Kasen gives Reimu a sidelong glance, which the shrine maiden entirely ignores.  
  
“No it isn’t,” MInoriko says, her brow furrowing. “You described a transaction, and I reminded you that I am a goddess and may deign to give a blessing to someone who donates to me with proper piety.”  
  
“Same thing,” says Reimu as she produces a coin and drops in Minoriko’s basket.

“You and Lady Kanako would get along so well, I swear,” Minoriko says, rolling her eyes and holding out an apple.

Reimu accepts the fruit, looking it over for a moment as she says, “The only thing Kanako’s getting along with is a double handful of sealing needles to the face, if I have anything to say about it!” Then she turns to Meira and holds the apple out. “Here you go, sweetheart. Since you’re not used to doing this kind of thing, you’ll have to keep your energy up”

“I’m a trained swordswoman, you know,” Meira says, “And don’t call me sweetheart!”

“Not like that training did you any good back in the day,” says Marisa.

Meira’s eyes go wide and her hand falls to the sword at her waist. “I’ll show you just how much-!”  
  
Minoriko squawks and jumps back as Meira draws her sword.. “Meira!” Kasen says, her voice hard as steel as she turns and firmly locks her eyes with the swordswoman’s, “Just take the apple.”

Meira freezes for a moment, her face blanching. Then, slowly, she reaches over for the apple that Reimu holds out.

Kasen nods, “Now. _Behave_.”

“…Let’s get a move on,” Marisa says, breaking a moment of tense silence. “Later, Minoriko.”

“…J-just have fun, all of you,” Minoriko says.

  
***

The forest grows thicker, its canopy blotting out more and more of the light until only a sort of gloom remains. The trees here are older, snarled things that thrive in the dimness, choking out the other plantlife. The birdsong slowly changes from the light-hearted calls of robins and orioles to the raucous cries of crows and the odd owl, while the droning of insects becomes louder; more shrill. Here and there, the occasional faerie can be heard, but their cries and laughter have an unpleasant edge to them.

The four travelers continues down the path as the hills grow more pronounced, creeping a bit higher up with each slope. Reimu’s eyes rove this way and that, gohei in hand and ready for anything unusual. Marisa maintains a casual air about her, but her eyes also keep in motion, just in case. Meira looks resolutely ahead, not exactly frightened by the darkened forest but eager to be done with it. Kasen just moves along, well familiar with the area and only letting Reimu have the lead as the shrine maiden wouldn’t allow anyone else to do so.

“Here she comes,” Reimu says, breaking the the heavy silence.

“Who?” says Meira, glancing toward Reimu.  
  
“The welcoming committee,” Marisa says, as she gestures toward the left. Looking over that way, Meira sees a green-haired woman in red making their way toward the path, leaping into the air and pirouetting as though the trees and brambles simply weren’t there.  
  
“You must not go forward!” the green-haired woman cries, “The way ahead is too dangerous for any human, this mountain teems with terrible you-oh.” She reaches the path and stops,folding her hands in front of herself. “Hello Miss Hakurei! Just go on ahead please.”  
  
“Yeah, thanks,” says Reimu.  
  
“Hello Hina,” Kasen says, bowing her head toward the newcomer for a moment. “I hope today finds you well?”  
  
“Hello neighbor,” Hina says, waving to Kasen. “I’m happy I found you, actually. Would you happen to know about a dog spirit that has been running around here today?”

Kasen frowns and rubs her chin. “I don’t think so. I’ve not seen anything like that around here.”  
  
Reimu crosses her arms. “Hey, we don’t have time for this.”  
  
“Why not?” Marisa says with a shrug. “It’s not like we have any appointments with this spider queen or anything. She can wait a little bit.”

“I’m sure I’ve seen one,” Hina continues. “It was brown and had a white stripe across its forehead, and a little diamond on its back…”  
  
Kasen’s lips press into a thin line, then she says, “…Did she have white paws, like she were wearing socks?”  
  
“Oh, yes,” Hina says, nodding. “I saw it around the swamp just a little while ago.”  
  
“…I…need to go,’ Kasen says, turning away from the group and walking briskly into the forest. “Sorry Reimu, I’m sure you have this covered!” Before the others can react, she disappears from sight, with only a cry of “Murasacchi! You get back here!” marking that she was there at all.  
  
“Huh,” says Marisa. She folds her arms behind her head. “Ain’t that something?”

“Does this sort of thing happen often?” Meira says, looking where Kasen vanished, straining her eyes to catch a glimpse of the hermit among the dense foliage.

“I would yell at her so much about her pets if I weren’t busy,” Reimu grumbles. Then she looks toward the woman in red. “Okay, Hina, tell us everything you know about this Spider Queen Joro customer.”

“I don’t believe the Earth Spiders have a queen,“ says Hina. “From what I understand, they’re more into workers’ councils?”

“Is she an Earth Spider?” Meira says.  
  
Marisa shrugs. “Probably. What else is she going to be?”

“I dunno, youkai are weird,” Meira says. “Maybe she’s some kind of cat youkai?”  
  
“I hope so, I’ve been meaning to get one of their eggs” Marisa says, nodding along.

“Okay, ignoring them,” Reimu says to Hina. “You’ve not heard anything? She’s supposed to live on the far side of Youkai Mountain”  
  
Hina shakes her head. “Not a thing, I’m afraid. She doesn’t sound like much of a queen if no one’s heard of her. Are you sure she’s real?”  
  
“…Less and less sure, but yes,” Reimu says. “I swear if this is just some rumor…”  
  
“Wouldn’t that be a good thing?” Marisa says. “That means there’s no competition for Meira’s heart!”  
  
Meira fixes a glare on Marisa. “There’s not any competition for my heart to start with!”   
  
Reimu gives Meira a sweet smile. “Ah, that’s so kind of you to say, honey! It really gives me a sense of butterflies and tinglies, you know?”  
  
“Augh! That’s not what I meant!”  
  
***  
  
Now a down to a trio, Reimu, Meira, and Marisa continue onward, soon leaving the forest behind, and emerging along the lower reaches of the mountain. The ground here is rough, pools of stagnant water gather in pits and depressions in the ground, seeping into the surrounding dirt and creating a bog. Cattails and thick-leafed plants grow densely here as the path wends away into more of a suggestion in the mud than a road. Frogs add their song to the air while dragonflies dart around over the mossy rocks and algae-laden waters. Trees laden with curtains of moss crowd the dry land, but nowhere near as thick as the forest and thinning out as one looks further up the mountain. In the distance, the roar of Youkai Mountain’s infamous waterfall can be heard. Everyone does their best to avoid complaining about the smell of earth and decay.

“I sure hope the back of the mountain isn’t like this,” Meira says, giving a distasteful look a half-submerged log covered with dirty white fungi. Then she quietly tosses the remains of her apple into the nearby pool.

“I don’t think it is?” Reimu says. “I mean, it’s the waterfall that does this.”  
  
“Maybe there’s a bunch of rain faeries back there?” Marisa says. “They might make it all nice and swampy.”  
  
“Oh, good point,” says Reimu with a little nod. “Though I hope not. There’s enough mosquitoes here to last me for weeks.”  
  
“And there might be leeches…” Marisa mutters.

“Not to mention the smell,” Meira says. “It’s like someone mixed-” Her next words are cut off by a splash as something human-like emerges from a pool of brackish water ahead of them. A small kappa with her hair pulled into twin tails glowers at them. She wears an overstuffed backpack and levels a large, complex-looking gun with obvious water tanks attached to it at the trio.   
  
“The next one of you to talk down on our home is getting a shot right between the eyes!” she cries, brandishing her weapon at each of the trio. Meira falls into a defensive position, her hand on her sword. Reimu just crosses her arms, while Marisa brushes a mosquito off the back of her hand.

“…Hi Nitori,” Reimu says with a sigh. “Look, we’re just passing through.”  
  
“Passing through and insulting our home!” Nitori says. “After everything I’ve done for you all! And don’t think I didn’t see that trash you threw around, too!”  
  
“You don’t do anything for us, though,” says Marisa.

“I don’t even know you,” Meira says.   
  
“Also, you’re talking real big for just one person,” Reimu says.

Nitori raises her hand to her mouth, and blows out a long, piercing whistle. The surroundings suddenly erupt with activity as more kappa emerge from nearby ponds. Others crawl out from other blankets that were buried under a thin layer of mud and leafy weeds. Every one of them carries some kind of gun. “Ah hell, Aya ratted us out!” Reimu cries as she produces a handful of sealing needles. Meira draws her sword, well aware it won’t do much but taking comfort in having it. Marisa doesn’t have time to respond before the air fills with the sound of water-based artillery.

In an eyeblink, the three break into motion. Reimu goes high, soaring above the treetops and raining needles down on the kappa, who dive and leap back into the water to get out of the way. Marisa stays low, sending out tight clusters of star-shaped danmaku into the kappa formations. However, with nearly two dozen opponents, the air quickly grows thick with liquid bullets and watery bombs. Meira pauses for a moment, looking for an opening, and immediately finds waves upon waves of liquid danmaku coming her way. Doing her best not to squawk with panic, she moves to weave through it.  
  
Nitori stands tall at the edge of her pool, grinning and swinging her water gun this way and that, firing as many shots as it can muster. “Riches to whoever brings me their pearls!” She shouts.

“NItori, for the love of-ACK!” Reimu cries, before a trio of watery shots pelt her in the face.

“You knew it had to be this way, Red-White!” Nitori cries.

  
“Like hell!” Meira cries, as she emerges from the wave of danmaku and charges Nitori, sword raised to bring the kappa low. She is promptly rewarded with several rounds of danmaku in the face, sending her flying back as her feet are carried from under her, bringing her crashing to the ground. Dazed and sprawled out on her back, the swordswoman and only look upward as more liquid shots arc down toward her. Then suddenly Reimu is hovering just inches above her, furiously batting away attacks with her gohei as others pelt her in the chest and torso.  
  
As watery kappa artillery sounded around them, Meira looked up at Reimu floating above her; gazing at the contour of her chin, then the way she brazenly knocked the shots away from the fallen swordswoman. Oh cruel needless misunderstanding; oh stubborn self-willed exile from the truth – two tears trickled down Meira’s soaked face. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished; Meira won a victory over herself in that moment: she loved Reimu Hakurei.


	13. Chapter 13 - edwardvonstein

**As watery kappa artillery sounded around them, Meira looked up at Reimu floating above her; gazing at the contour of her chin, then the way she brazenly knocked the shots away from the fallen swordswoman. Oh cruel needless misunderstanding; oh stubborn self-willed exile from the truth – two tears trickled down Meira’s soaked face. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished; Meira won a victory over herself in that moment: she loved Reimu Hakurei.**

Meira smiled at the shrine maiden, sheathing her sword, clasping her hands together. Her tears lost in the aquatic barrage, she closed her eyes, and begun her dance. Reimu raised an eyebrow, and began a focused barrage of needles at the swordswoman’s location. Meira was riddled with needles, a veritable pincushion…had they not hit an afterimage.

The ronin weaved through the stream of needles and rain of artillery as if a whirling dervish. The shrine maiden grew wide eyed, her shots faltering for a moment, before the kappa artillery snapped her back out of it. She prepared her talismans to chase the dancing maiden, as, in the visual cacophony, she spotted a new threat. Meira was releasing colorful crystal orbs, which floated about lazily, bouncing off of projectiles. Reimu shook her head and sighed, then began tossing out her talismans.

The fallen swordswoman kept up her dance, her eyes remaining closed. She felt the rumble of the kappa’s armaments. She felt the fluttering of the talismans. She felt the sparkle of her crystals, and she felt the might of her adversary. Was this what it felt like to reach out to divinity? Was this what it felt like to get closer to a…

Meira didn’t get to finish that thought, as the presence of said mighty adversary suddenly was upon her, and a giant yin yang orb was upon her head.

She still was hurting from it three days later, at the bar, Apryl Fool on the jukebox, drowning her sorrows.

“What’s got you down, partner?” A chill clawed its way up Meira’s back as she recognized the growling voice of her mentor’s old girlfriend Yuugi Hoshigumi. “Almost didn’t recognize ye with the top of yer head wrapped up like that. Or a glass of apple juice in your hand for that matter.” Meira chuckled nervously, her eyes desperately trying to decipher secret messages in the wood of the table, or trying to see through the wall to the kitchen, anything but meet the gaze of the oni. She did not want her soul bared right now. “Yeah, I guess even this hardhead can crack.”

The swordswoman’s eyes fell back into the depth of her glass. Not a single answer was swimming around in it, but a hand found its way onto her shoulder, as her acquaintance sat down next to her. “Have I ever told you the story about how back in the days we got decapitated.” “Yeah, but that’s not…” “Heh, the big boss even tried to take a bite out of the guy who took her head off. Really, who wears two helmets though? You want something more stiff?” “Please no, that’ll be a bad idea with my head right now. And yeah, I’m… not here because I lost that battle.” “Oh?”

Meira wished she had control over gravity and thus could just disappear into a black hole. “Who was your opponent anyways?” “The Hakurei shrine maiden.” “Oh, Reimu? She’s a fun one. Graceful, forceful, beautiful, I’d love to spar with her aga-” Yuugi noticed the ronin’s cheek having taken on certain flushed complexion. “Oooh, I see.” “What? What do you see?”

“Partner, just ask her out.” “That… yeah, I wanted to. But I noticed she has somebody already.” As the album fades out on the jukebox, Yuugi drinks deep from her dish. “You know, Meira, we were the four devas of the mountain, not the two devas. You say she’s got a girlfriend already. So?”


	14. Chapter 14 – pleasewatchwarmly

**As the album fades out on the jukebox, “You know, Meira, we were the four devas of the mountain, not the two devas. You say she’s got a girlfriend already. So?”**

Meira eyes the floor and says nothing. After a moment, Yuugi shrugs: “The more the merrier, right? Not like you’re getting married here. Besides, that stuff is all overhyped. Just do whatever you like.”

Saying it like it’s simple. That’s the point: she’s not sure what she would like. She’s looking for one person here, not two… and she’s still not quite sure how she feels about that marriage part, either, or lack thereof.

Lost in thought, Meira raises her head upon hearing a faint racket from the distance. A quickly approaching racket… the worryingly distinct sounds of merrymaking. Yuugi perks up too, but she seems to welcome the noise with a knowing grin. Moments later, a veritable baggage train of partying oni erupt into the room in a cacophony of noise.

“Well, what would ya know! Good talk, we’ll continue it later, okay?“

The confused Meira tries to stutter out an answer, but Yuugi’s attention has already been stolen by the crowd.

When Meira emerges into the stinging sunlight many long hours later, she feels like she’s made absolutely zero progress. Progress on what? Anything, really. She’s too tired to even feel depressed at the moment. After a while of groggy, aimless wandering, she eventually seats herself on a fallen tree by the road, as if that would somehow make her brain work better. She’s juggling way too many things in her head at this point, the latest of which is that she’s not completely sure where she is right now.

She barely has time for a brief breather before hearing the trademark sound of fairy wings from behind her. She sighs in anticipation. “Just so you’re aware, I can hear you, and I’m not exactly in the mood for pranks.”

The fairy lets out a bright little giggle and circles around to float in front of her. Meira, slumped over her knees, barely bothers to look at her. A fairy it is. Looks like a young girl, as they tend to. No one Meira would recognize. All fairies are sort of the same to her. And just as fairies tend to do, this one’s wearing a mischievous grin that might, in someone else’s book, pass for cute.

“What’s wrong, miss? Does your stomach hurt?” the fairy asks in a playful tone.

“More like my head,” Meira mutters before clearing her throat and getting back on track. “As such, I don’t have the energy or presence of mind to talk to you. I’d appreciate if you could leave the way you came.”

“Oh, don’t be like thaaat! I just wanted to play!”

Meira’s eyes flit around, scanning the surroundings for movement. As far as she knows, fairies tend to travel in groups. Packs. Swarms? In any case, there may very well be more of them nearby. She rests her hand on the hilt of her blade.

“By ‘play’, I don’t suppose it’s hide-and-seek you’re looking for?”

The fairy flutters with glee and claps her hands. “Ooh, I love hide-and-seek! Okay, you count, and I’ll go hide!”

Meira is left sitting there in baffled silence as the fairy indeed dashes off into the treeline, momentarily poking her head out to look back at her: “You’re not counting!”

She takes her hand off the weapon and shuts her eyes. That was… unexpected. For the better, though. She has little interest in cutting up fairies, has never been that good at danmaku, and has thus been given a convenient chance to slink away.

Meira is too busy with her own problems to spend time playing with this fairy. She gets up and starts walking away, only to hear a shrill voice from the distance. _“Are you looking yet!?”_


	15. Chapter 15 – Hydrochlorination

**Meira is too busy with her own problems to spend time playing with this fairy. She gets up and starts walking away, only to hear a shrill voice from the distance. ** _ **“Are you looking yet!?”** _

Turning back to Ellen, who had flown to the other side of the lake, Meira pushes away the sunflower fairy, who sulks back to the forest in disappointment.

Pointing her finger up to the sky, Ellen lets out all of the electricity she had been building up in her hair

THWA~SH

From her fingertip, a lightning bolt shoots out into the sky. At about the height of the treeline, the bolt splits into two paths, before coming back together. The end result was a lightning bolt in the shape of a heart.

Ellen flew back across the lake, Socrates still sleeping in her hair despite the noise. She stopped in front of Meira.

“So, how was it?” Ellen said, with a proud expression.”Do you think she’ll like it?”

Meira patted Ellen’s extremely poofy blonde hair. “I‘m sure she’ll love it. Now come on, I have some business to take care of, remember?”

Ellen let out an ‘o’ having forgotten about the message Meira was supposed to be bringing to Remilia Scarlet. Meira walked down the beach, towards the conspicuous red mansion. Soon they reached the scarlet brick wall, around the Scarlet Devil Mansion, which was colored a rich shade of scarlet. In front of the gate, watching the two approach, was a scarlet-haired woman, who was wearing a green dress.

As they arrived, Meira pulled out an envelope with a bat seal on it. The gatekeeper took the envelope, and looked over it. After a moment, she nodded, and opened the gate, the crimson paint starting to peel off the metal.

“Go on in,” the gate keeper said, “Our chief of staff will direct you two to the mistress.”

Meira and Ellen went past the metal gate, and up to the huge (scarlet!) double doors. As they came near, the doors slowly opened-

CRE~AK

Revealing the interior of the mansion, which was colored blue a deep red, somewhere in between maroon and crimson. Standing in the extremely spacious foyer was a maid with silver hair and a blue uniform. Meira had seen this woman many times before in the village, shopping for groceries.

“Follow me. I shall lead you to mistress Scarlet.”

The maid, apparently the chief of staff as well, walked down a hallway leading to the side. Meira followed behind her, dragging along Ellen, who was staring at how big the place was.

It was extremely quiet in the red hallways of the mansion, as any footsteps were muffled by the plush carpet. The oppressive silence unnerved Meira, though Ellen didn’t seem to notice, having been staring at the interior designs. Up on the walls and on pedestals were paintings and statues of a young girl, with bat wings and a poofy mob cap. Eventually they reached another set of double doors. These doors were not as big as the ones outside, but they were much more ornate, with a large bat symbol carved into it, alongside other patterns. Sakuya pushed these doors open, exposing a grand throne room, with the girl seen in the paintings sitting on a scarlet throne.

The winged girl beckoned Meira and her companion in, her eyes closed.

“Most gods throw dice, but fate plays chess,” she said, before dramatically opening her glowing red eyes, “ And you don’t find out ‘till too late that she’s been playing with two queens all along.”


	16. Chapter 16 – kilgamayan

“**Most gods throw dice, but fate plays chess,” she said, before dramatically opening her glowing red eyes, “ And you don’t find out ‘till too late that she’s been playing with two queens all along.”**

Tewi blinked, an unimpressed look glancing down at the board, then back up at her opponent. “…You realize this is precisely why no one respects you, right?”

Reisen kept frozen in her coolest pose for a few more moments, before sighing and slumping in her seat.

“Come on, really? I worked hard on that one…”

“I would say work harder, but you’re probably better off not working on it at all. It’s still mate in three moves, by the way, no matter how much you try to psych me out.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Reisen flicked her king over. “It was worth a shot, though. Another one?”

Tewi shook her head. “Nah. I think you and I have more important things to do.”

“Oh, does Master have something for us?”

“Probably, but who cares about that? No, what we need to work on is you. Specifically, we need to make it so you are no longer a complete and total dweeb. Come.”

Reisen frowned as her companion stood up from the table and sauntered off, but hastily swiped the pieces into a bag and grabbed the bag and board before catching up and following. “I am *not* a dweeb, Tewi.”

“No, you absolutely are. Snappy attire aside, it’s really bad. Like, I can’t even make fun of you about it anymore. I’m being completely serious about this, and I’m going to help you with it. Me. Going out of my way to help you. That’s how bad it is. I just can’t have this continue, for the sake of the pride of earth rabbits everywhere. I need, we *all* need, for you to be someone we’re not pretending we don’t know whenever other races ask. We need to be able to *like* you.”

As they stopped outside the door, it occurred to Reisen that she had never actually seen Tewi’s room before, let alone been inside it. No sooner had she started dwelling on the implications of Tewi calling her a snappy dresser and claiming she needed ‘to be able to *like* her’, however, did her gaze shift from the door to her diminutive companion shoving a finger in her face.

“Not like that, rager. Now get in before anyone sees you and has the same idea.”

Reisen suddenly found herself stumbling forward into the bedroom, unable to appreciate Tewi’s deftness in sliding the door open with one hand while shoving Reisen inside with the other. As it was, she still had time to get a bit excited to see how the elder earth rabbit lived just before looking around and being instantly disappointed in how minimalistic, how *banal* it was. A futon, a modest vanity, a work desk, and…not really much of anything else.

“Enjoy the view while you can. I’m sure you’ve been dying to know something, anything secret of mine.”

“I wasn’t-I wasn’t thinking about that.” Reisen whirled around. “Besides, I don’t need to be here for anything. I don’t need to change anything about myself. I’m perfectly fine the way I am. More than fine, in fact!”

“Then why did you follow me here without putting up a fight instead of running off to see what Doc needs done?”

Reisen couldn’t answer, slowly withering under Tewi’s impassive look. Eventually, she sighed and slumped.

“Fine. Fine. I need help. I need a lot of help. I don’t want to be a punchline or a laughingstock on a regular basis anymore. If…if you think you can fix that, then I’ll listen to you. I’ll do what you say. Please tell me…what do I need to do?”

Tewi grinned and folded her hands in front of her. “I thought you’d never ask, Reisen.”


	17. Chapter 17 – finnkaenbyou

**Tewi grinned and folded her hands in front of her. “I thought you’d never ask, Reisen.”**

Reisen glowered. The earth rabbit was enjoying her predicament a little too much. She shook off her frustration, listening out for the next order.

“OK, first thing’s first.” Tewi stood on the other side of the lab window, holding a weathered manual in one hand. “You’ll want to disable the detonator.”

_Oh, that’s wonderful._ Reisen rolled her eyes as she looked down at the bomb. _I’d never have figured that out myself. Thank the Moon I’ve got an expert helping me out from outside the blast radius._

“Let’s see here...” There was a fluttering sound as Tewi sifted through the booklet. “How many wires are you looking at?”

“Seven,” Reisen said, keeping her voice steady. “Rainbow colours. Red at the top, violet at the bottom.”

“Rainbow, huh?” More page fluttering. “You _sure_ you can’t handle this on your own, Reisen? I figured this would be child's play for an ex-soldier like you."

“Please try and focus, Tewi.” A line of sweat hugged Reisen’s brow as she eyed the timer. “I’ve got two minutes before my insides and the walls become uncomfortably acquainted with each other.”

“Fine, fine.” Tewi grumbled. “Cut the blue wire.”

Reisen nodded, wielding the scalpel she’d grabbed from the operating room. She pinched the wire between two fingers, sucking in a deep breath before slicing it open.

The bomb let out a loud warning siren, and the timer jumped down to one minute.

“Tewi!” she yelled. “Wrong wire!”

“Wait, really?” Tewi fumbled through the manual, then heaved out a sigh. “Oh, I get it. That was supposed to be the _indigo_wire. These kappa manuals really need to invest in better ink, y’know?”

“Enough of the colour commentary!” Reisen snapped. “What am I supposed to do now?!”

“Hrm…well, you’ve triggered the failsafe, so next should be-” Tewi gulped. “Oh. Oh dear.”

“What is it?”

“The page is torn out.” Tewi dropped the manual and shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve got no idea. You’re gonna have to guess.”

Reisen felt a vice squeeze down on her chest. She watched the timer trickle downwards, towards the moment when she and the lab would be nothing but a distant memory.

“If it’s any comfort, it’s been nice knowing you.” Tewi’s voice remained obliviously cheery. “I’ll make sure to yell at the kappa for their crappy publishing standards if you die.”

Reisen drowned out Tewi’s so-called advice and weighed up her options. There was still enough time to run away, she thought to herself. The blast radius wouldn’t damage anything beyond the room she was in. But it would obliterate her master’s collection of priceless catalysts and reagents, and the blame for it would land on her as usual. Given the choice between the two, Reisen preferred her chances with the bomb.

“OK, Reisen. Don’t panic.” She inhaled through her nose, calling on all of her military training. “One in six odds, right? Like rolling a die. Easy peasy.”

There was no point in thinking things over now. She grabbed the green wire, slicing it cleanly with the scalpel, watching the timer for any sign she’d made the right call.

Something burst out of the device with blistering speed.

“AAAAAAAAAAH!”

Reisen had just enough time to drop the bomb and curl into a ball. This was it, she thought to herself. Her life flashed rapidly before her eyes as she waited for the explosion to engulf her.

It never came.

“...Huh?”

After a strangely long period of not being dead, Reisen poked her head up from the fetal position. She looked at the bomb, eyeing the object that had burst out from inside.

“Oh.”

Pointing right between her eyes was the cardboard cutout of a white rabbit. A tape recorder hidden inside the device let out a familiar high-pitched cackle. Just to rub the ruse in further, a screen on the side of the bomb flashed to life with the words ****HAPPY APRIL 1ST!****

“Kyahahaha!” Tewi’s laughter matched up perfectly with the bomb’s guffawing. “Man, that squeal you made there was priceless. Well worth the cost of putting this thing together.”

A dull, quiet anger pulsed through Reisen’s veins. She took a moment to recover from the shock before rising to her feet.

“Tewi, I’ve decided on something.”

“What’s that?”

“The next time I consider coming to you for help, I’m going to ignore that impulse and do literally anything else.”


	18. Chapter 18 – Agatha Chris Q

“**Tewi, I’ve decided on something.”**

“**What’s that?”**

“**The next time I consider coming to you for help, I’m going to ignore that impulse and do literally anything else.”**

Tewi frowned. Eirin frowned back.

Tewi broke the silence, “It’s not my fault you didn’t use a crossbow”.

“Like that wouldn’t break ether.” Eirin scoffed, “Your lies were normally not this damned obvious Tewi. I’m almost impressed by how you pretend to be ignorant as to how your luck power works.”

Tewi crossed her arms and groaned, “Still shoulda used one.”

“Don’t play naive. There is no coincidence that my bow broke just when I had a shot on that horrible hermit. Same goes for Udongein getting crippled, Mokou showing up almost out of nowhere, and Princess Kaguya’s favorite dress getting caught on fire all on the same day.”

Tewi opened her mouth-

“Then put out by Jiang Shi guts” Eirin interrupted.

“Oh, come on! Your just being too cynical for your own good, Master Eirin~! Guess old age has gotten to you, eh? I can relate.”

The brain of the moon groaned, more heavier than she had ever in her entire life. “You are forbidden from calling me “Master” until further notice.”

“Whatever”, Tewi rolled her eyes, “Still not my fault a party like that would attract so many people.”

“That was the point, we’ve been over this already. Literally nothing you can say will convince me otherwise. Be thankful I am not planning on pursuing violence against you”, she stopped for a bit to stare intensely towards Tewi, “As much as I’ve considered it”.

Tewi just shrugged in reaction towards Eirin’s causal threat of murder, “Figures. Your not stupid enough to cut my lunges out just yet, Doc.”

Tewi’s nonplussed reaction only reassured Eirin that she was up to something. But the same time, there was no way she was this obvious, the Brain Of The Moon just had to wait and see.

“Don’t press it.” her arms crossed, “at best you failed to deal with the intruders who would steal Kaguya’s new treasure, at worse, you intentionally sabotaged our defensives for unknown ulterior motives. Whichever it is, I am not pursuing personal vengeance against you, but you will consider yourself to be on thin ice.”

Tewi simply frowned, and walked out of the room. Eirin did nothing but watch her wordlessly as she closed the door behind herself.

As Tewi marched out of the old halls of Eientei, she reflected on how Eirin wasn’t stupid enough to call for her death. The White Hare was practically Eirin’s landlord. If she even dared to lift a finger on her, Tewi would easily order the rabbits to descent on Eientei in a army of fluffiness and hatred like the world had never seen.

But of course, even if Eirin did that, that wouldn’t matter, because that wasn’t where Tewi’s goals lied today.

Instead, she was focused on the treasure that wicked Hermit stole, she had plans for it, plans that Eirin wouldn’t be able to do anything about...

_Later that night..._

*_CHOMP_*

The rabbit was tasty.

As Yoshika chewed on the poor rabbit’s bones, she wished Seiga would cook up some of them for her, there was no other food in the cave aside from the animals that wandered into the hideout in the cave.

She had no idea how Seiga got _her_ food, and she never bothered trying to figure that out. The paper on her forehead said “DEAL WITH INTRUDERS” in Chinese, not “PONDER ON YOUR TORTURED EXISTENCE AS SEIGA’S TOOL”.

The only intruders that Yoshika had seen so far were rabbits that stupidly fell down the hole that led to Seiga’s hideout.

They were held up in a underground cave tunnel system that Seiga had accessed through her hole making power. Quite convenient that it was there, as supposed to just oceans of dirt.

Yoshika coughed out the one bone that didn’t go down her throat. It was such a hard cough that it broke on contact when it hit the nearby wall of dirt.

“Awww! Poor Zombie, that bone was too big for your poor old throat!” Said an strangely affectionate Seiga from the top of the hole. Seiga stroked her precious zombie by the cheek. “You poor poor thing. Try not to swallow those bones too quickly, dear.” ”Oooooh kaaaay” Yoshika moaned softly, not really thinking too hard about Seiga’s request. “Now, just what were you eating?” Seiga looked to the floor, and was met by her answer, the fly covered skin of an eaten rabbit.

She smiled. “Serves them right, I always hated those stupid little pests. Running around, eating all those crops like they owned the fields” she kicked the dead rabbit’s body away. It was then the idea to cook one up for Yoshika entered her brain.

She retrieved a couple of the more complete rabbit bodies with the intend to cook them later. Even an zombie with an half rotted brain could figure out Seiga’s motivation, as evidenced by the next words that came out of Yoshika’s mouth. “Thaaaaank yoooooou Nyan Nyaaaaan” she said with an smile.

“Your very welcome~, my precious zombie. You deserve an reward for dealing with these Awful pests~. I hope their deaths were long and painful, hehehehe~”

Yoshika didn’t care about how morally wrong that sentence was, she was, well, a zombie.

Soon Seiga had gathered enough corpses that she felt would satisfy the hunger of her zombie pet (at least for 10 minutes, anyways). She spoke to her zombie “I’ll be back in a little bit, dear”, and she returned to her campfire inside the middle of the dark cave.

Nobody could see Yoshika at night Sega planned to leave as soon as she could, and retreat to Youkai Mountain, where it would be much safer to hide and plan away from her vengeful enemies.

Just as long as they didn’t notice the treasure she stole from the Lunar princess.

In the middle of the deep dark cave, there has an small fire pit, not only used for cooking, but also the only major source of light in the cave at that point. Thankfully it was bright.

Lying right by it, and an packet of rations she had stolen from Eientei, was an hastily made stack of hay, to be used as an bed, thankfully, she had slept in far worse places.

And of course, there was the treasure she had kept safe.

It was under a sheet, Seiga checked to make sure it was still in one piece. It was. After all, that’s why they called it The Miracle Mallet.

She felt powerful just wielding it. But that power was meaningless. She was not able to use the mallet herself, an paper seal implanted on the hammers handle by the red and white shrine maiden kept its true power from being used. If Seiga had to guess, that damned border Youkai was partially behind this as well, considering just how powerful one small sheet of paper was.

The only way such a paper could be possibly removed, if Seiga’s research was correct, would be if removed by an extremely old and powerful Youkai mage, or a deity. Anything less than that and the Mallet wouldn’t work.

How did The Mallet even end up with those Lunarians in the first place? She didn’t know, and the only possibility that crossed her mind was that _they _stole it from Reimu and the Inchlings. But why?

“That’s what it looks like in person? Pretty lame for an widget that’s supposed to do everything”.

Seiga JUMPED in shock and dropped all of the dead rabbits she held in her hands. “Wha-who-HOW DID YOU FIND ME, YOU STUPID BUNNY???”

Tewi was dressed in her normal dress, but this time with an weird looking green gun and a purse strapped across her chest, and a smug smile across her face. “Easy. I was just lucky. That, and the suspiciously large amount of dead rabbits laying around your hole. By the by, is your Zombie blind? She was easier to sneak to by than I would’ve imagined.”

“Ha! You just got “Lucky”? What a stupid sack of lies, YOSHKKKKKIAAAAAA.”

With unbelievable speed, her favorite pet zombie came flying towards the Rabbit intruder.

But Tewi did nothing but stood smiling at the Zombie charging at her. Then when she was barely a few inches away, she pulled out her weird green gun, and fired at the Ofuda on her head.

Instead of an shot of danmaku like Seiga would’ve expected, it was instead a...round ball of paint? And once it hit her zombie’s Ofuda, the strangest thing happened.

Yoshika just stopped in place. Floating even. Her expression was a blank one, just staring off at the ground.

Seiga didn’t have a very good idea of what she saw. But it seemed that somehow, the damned rabbit had messed with her precious zombie’s Ofuda instructions, causing her to be confused at what to do.

Tewi then pointed her green gun at Seiga, “Now give me that pretty little Mallet”

But, Seiga had other tricks up her sleeves.

“Your a clever bunny, but your still just that, an bunny.”

Seiga shot the ceiling above Tewi with an wave of Danmaku, it was deep enough that there were rocks to fall around Tewi and Yoshika, trapping long them long enough for Seiga to grab the mallet and fly through the ceiling with her hole making power, laughing all the way.

“Hohohoho,” She crackled as she flew threw the bamboo forest of the lost, “That was so easy! And here I thought outsmarting that stupid white hare would be harder than th-WHAT?”

She stopped RIGHT in her tracks as she saw a Youkai Rabbit standing still in the distance on the ground just a mile away. It looked EXACTLY like Tewi.

She swiftly jumped behind the biggest, and nearest bamboo tree she could spot.

She began to sneak closer to the rabbit, jumping between each of the trees, hoping to get close enough to get a better view of it.

She did. It was clearly fake.

It looked like Tewi, only it was a scarecrow that had cotton for ears, lazily taped to the top of the head, and with an crudely painted smile on it’s face.

Seiga scratched her head, who could've put this here?

Then she fell down an hole.

It took Seiga an second to figure out what was going on. "Wha-what?"

Tewi was floating above, almost expected at this point.

"Cozy enough for Ya?"

"Stupid rabbit!"

"Too hot? Let me heat it up for ya' then."

In just a few seconds, Tewi shot an giant laser that covered the entire hole. Seiga realized it would not be possible to fly up, so she went to create an hole, only to found out, SHE COULDN'T. Tewi had pick pocketed it from her while the dummy distracted her!

Save to say, she was blasted.

Tewi retrieved her prize from Seiga's smoking body. She quickly noticed the Charm on the Hammer's handle. Luckily, being an God, she knew that it would be easy to remove.

In just an simple and short motion, the charm was removed like an piece of Lunarians sticky paper.

She beheld the might mallet, and held it in her hand, as it glowed with power.

She flew up out of the hole, and begin to wonder just what she could do with this powerful thing.

Then an arrow came out of nowhere.

It missed the hare, luckily, but it still startled her enough that she dropped the mallet on to the ground.

She flew down to the ground to look for the mallet, and greet her mysterious would-be assassin.

It was, of course, Eirin.

"I knew you would do this, you traitorous rabbit!"

"You!" Tewi shouted.

"For someone who claims to be good at keeping an low profile, you, as the younger rabbits put it, "Suck"

"Shit!"

_Meanwhile_

“Come on, Yukari~!” cheered an energetic Yuyuko, sitting casually near the Netherworld’s gates.

“Easy,” remarked the smug Yukari, as she drifted up the giant steps of Hakugyokurou swiftly, despite her formless, boneless state.

Even in blob state, she kept her Youkai speed, flight, strength, and power that made life easy for the border Youkai.

Just a minute was enough for her to climb from the bottom to the top of the Netherworld’s overly long staircase.

She had no bones in her blob body, almost entirely the color purple, with some minor highlights of yellow across it’s form.

Until one saw Yukari’s signature mob hat, still safely resting on Yukari’s form, one would likely mistake the bizarre blob for being an unknown type of Youkai.

Considering this was Yukari, however, they would not be far off.

“Kind of you to take time to do this for me considering your busy schedule”, Yuyuko cheerfully stated as she took a sip from her cup of tea.

She always loved it when Yukari bended the borders of shape, it was such a unique sight to behold every time.

Yukari crawled up to her, and growing an tentacly limb from her blob form, she nuzzled Yuyuko’s soft cheek gently. Yuyuko kissed Yukari’s tentacle limb in response. It felt soft and warm, if slimy.

“Lady Yuyuko, what are you doing near the gat-GAH!” Exclaimed Youmu as she beheld Yukari’s bizarre slime-like form.

The little Samurai drew her sword, “No, no, it’s just Yukari being Yukari” Yuyuko interrupted.

“Wh-what?” Muttered Youmu, as she withdraw from an aggressive stance. She began to stare at Yukari’s puddle like form, her ghost half floated close to her to get a better view.

A single giant eye popped out where there wasn’t one before. “EEEeeek!” Youmu (Both halves of her) jumped back in fear. Yukari giggled in response.

“Y-y-ye-yep, it’s La-lady Yukari alright” Muttered an frightened Youmu.

“Don’t you remember, Youmu? Yukari has always been able to shape her form into a gelatinous form. Don’t tell me you’ve been forgetful~” teased Yuyuko.

“Don’t be so surprised, dear”, said the blobby Yukari, her one giant unblinking eye turning towards the Ghost, “People’s perceptions of memory in Gensokyo have been changing a lot lately.”

“Oh dear, people there have been quite forgetful lately? How unpleasant" Yuyuko replied.

“Surprised I didn't tell you about before hand, dear, but I guess that's what this incident has been doing to us." Yukari sighed to herself, "But as I was saying, that is one way you could put it, dear, but they aren’t just being carefree towards memory. The recent past and present have been warping, changing, shifting. Always with out warning. It's become nearly impossible to even remember what happened in the past week!"

Youmu gasped in shock! Her ghost half lit up in red from fear! Yuyuko calmly took a sip of her tea and remarked “How bothersome. Have you done anything about it yet?”

“I have, but...” Yukari’s Giant Purple Unblinking Eye narrowed “...I don’t remember how I did.”

Yuyuko’s expression remained claim even as Youmu continued to be shocked. “It happens to the best of us” the Ghost remarked.

“But I know I had to have done _something. _Fortunately, Keine and Akyuu have been reporting that the overall level of these strange warps in reality are lowering at a fast rate.” Yukari’s Giant Purple Unblinking Eye showed satisfaction in eye, “I doubt Okina would be capable of doing anything even remotely helpful in this situation. With due time, I’m sure things will go back to being normal soon. As normal as things can be in Gensokyo, anyways.”

“Good Girl~!” Yuyuko pet Yukari’s blob form, provoking an relaxed sigh from Yukari. “But as I was about to say before Yukari give you that little info dump there, she came to visit the netherworld just to hang by, and take a rest here away from the chaos Gensokyo is currently in.”

Youmu let out an unrelaxed sigh. “Why does the weirdest things always have to happen when Lady Yukari’s around?”

“Weird” is subjective, you know” said Yukari as she wrapped her blobby tentacles around Yuyuko’s ghostly body, forming an hug.

Yuyuko hugged back, and spoke back to Youmu “Now Youmu, won’t you be an dear, and make us some nice warm sushi, would you?”

The Half-Ghost Gardener bowed, “Of course mistress, coming right away!”

“Here’s hoping that soon enough not every body in Gensokyo will be Yukari!”

“Of course, my lo-Wait, you just made that joke again, did you? You know my memory isn’t that awful, compared to many humans in the outside world...”

_Meanwhile_

“You?!?!” The White Hare exclaimed, “Ugh...” she planted her face into both of her palms. “Life isn't easy for a rabbit, is it?”

“Quite ironic, considering you made my life a lot easier just now. I suspected that you would want to steal the mallet from us at some point. _Anybody_ would. And for us to lose it to an hermit known for hiding out in the wildness? Too easy.”

Tewi groaned loudly, “Greaaaat, now your saying that you planned for me to betray you? I hate these kind of plans, now if you excuse me, I'm going to retrieve that hammer I fought Seiga all night for.”

Tewi turned around for the Mallet....only to find it was gone! Someone must’ve stolen it! And the only one that could be was-

“Yes. YES!” A cheered triumphantly, provoking Eirin and Tewi to look towards the skies. It was Seiga! Mallet in hand!

“Now the POWER is mine~!”

Eirin and Tewi’s reaction were the only thing they had agreed on this entire day.

“OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

Seiga laughed and cheered, “Too slow idi-”

**BAM!**

The pain that entered her face was shift, there was no chance she had to dodge it.

She fell ungracefully to the ground. Landing into yet another one of Tewi’s pit traps. To put it lightly, it hurt!

Tewi and Eirin flew to the area Seiga had fell, as her mysterious attack landed near the hole she fell down.

“My apologies for being so inelegant, Ms. Kaku. You have an very delightful fashion sense, I must admit~” Said the mysterious attacker, “But I am not overly fond of thieves. A shame we couldn’t have met on nicer terms”

Seiga’s face hurt so much she could barely get up. “Thanks for the kind words, Ms. Hourasin”, Kaguya's then shot her in the back of the head with an rainbow colored stream of danmaku.

Seiga was rendered unconscious. “I always hated stopping time, too little time to breath” Kaguya's muttered as she picked up the fallen mallet, it begin to glow with power.

“BEHOLD!” The Lunar Princess shouted with her arms spread out to her sides, “I AM NOW THE QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE!” The Mallet was GLOWING even more furiously.

She begin to giggle uncontrollably, when she was done, Eirin and Tewi had caught up to her.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE” Eirin and Tewi screamed at the same time.

“Just wanted to have some fun~, now to get to busin-” just before Kaguya could explain herself further, an ocean of magical Ofuda descended onto the area exploding on contact and pushing everyone back into the air.

The parties involved barely had any time to stand up before the mist settled to revealed the perpetrator.

Reimu Hakurei, stood seriously, staring intensely at the two Lunarians and rabbit god who were down on the dirt.

Even Eirin was a little scared of that stare.

Reimu picked up the Mallet, it was laying simply and ungracefully on the ground.

She pointed it at the two Lunarians, now standing close to each other.

"Takes ALOT of nerve to steal from me. is this for your stupid experiments? You moon people have ALOT of nerves!"

Tewi couldn't help but snickered, but then she remembered that SHE had helped them steal it in the first place.

The Shrine Maiden directed an pointing motion towards the two Lunarians with the mallet, "your punishment will be swi-" but then the mallet fell from her hand, and luck would have it (Or rather, Tewi would have it), it landed into what would be considered the center of a circle if Reimu, Seiga, Eirin, Kaguya and Tewi stood in one.

Only a few seconds later, Reimu, Eirin, Kaguya and Tewi stood in one circle, each staring at each other intensely. Only a few seconds later did Seiga join, having woken up from her unconsciousness. No one noticed, as they were too busy staring at each other to notice.

Thus, Eirin, Kaguya, Reimu, Tewi and Seiga all stood in one circle, each staring at another, the Miracle Mallet laying in the center. "On the count of three, we will all declare a spell card" Reimu shouted. "3...2...1!"


	19. Chapter 19 – eosdmutual

**Thus, Eirin, Kaguya, Reimu, Tewi and Seiga all stood in one circle, each staring at another, the Miracle Mallet laying in the center. "On the count of three, we will all declare a spell card" Reimu shouted. "3...2...1!"**

A cacophony of voices erupted as the countdown ended. At once, the five cast their spell cards, and the surrounding area was filled with danmaku from all sides. Reimu dodged left and right, focusing on getting out of the way rather than attacking. She let her spell card do its work on its own as she flew around, focusing greatly. Eirin seemed to be giving her the most trouble, with her aggressive spell card, so Reimu tried to refocus the aim of her card towards Eirin.

A “pop!” was heard from one side, and bullets cleared the field as Kaguya drifted down gently. Eirin nodded at her and doubled down. Taking note, Reimu decided to fly behind Eirin, where there weren't as many bullets. She sighed, almost too soon. A large, electrical bullet flew from Seiga's direction and nearly took Reimu out in one shot. She flew around the circumference of the area swiftly, garnering the attention of Tewi. From far away, Reimu could see their expressions turn more smug. Shit.

Tewi and Seiga both aimed their bullets at Reimu. Reimu quickly glanced around, before deciding to fly over to Tewi. She focused hard as she dodged through the tight gaps in bullets, stopping right in front of Tewi before dashing upward. The momentum of Seiga's bullet was too great, and Tewi came crashing to the ground as her spell card dissipated.

With two down, Reimu knew she was more of a target. Eirin and Seiga both looked more irritated, and Reimu decided to change the pattern of her card so it spread between the two. Forced to start dodging, it seemed Eirin lost a little focus in her aim. Seiga, however, had not. She sent homing bullets towards both of them and sat back, dodging whatever came at her.

Eirin flew up over Reimu and dashed down, trying to pull the same trick Reimu had done on Tewi. In a slight moment of panic, Reimu let herself fall out of the air before catching herself and speeding off towards Seiga, taking the bullets of her card with her. But Seiga managed to move in time, only slightly jarred. Everything seemed to be closing in.

All at once, half the bullets cleared. Eirin collapsed to the ground as the bullets targeted at both her and Reimu came from either side. Reimu and Seiga glared at each other. Reimu drifted to the other side of the field and lowered, making Seiga do the same. Their cards gained intensity and speed as the two focused, dodging left and right, bullets both their own and the other's. Seiga seemed more and more frantic, sending out as many bullets as she could muster. Reimu focused on dodging all she could, and the two began getting closer and closer to one another once again. Reimu gasped and Seiga shrieked as they were surrounded. All bullets cleared and the two fell to the ground in a heap, Seiga directly atop the Miracle Mallet.


	20. Chapter 20 - dizzyhmuffin

**Reimu focused on dodging all she could, and the two began getting closer and closer to one another once again. Reimu gasped and Seiga shrieked as they were surrounded. All bullets cleared and the two fell to the ground in a heap, Seiga directly atop the Miracle Mallet.**

Reimu looked up, and saw Sagume regarding the two of them coolly. Completely silently, too.

Seiga grumbled, and effortlessly pushed herself back up. Mysteriously, the Miracle Mallet was gone. "If only you hadn't taken down my lovely Yoshika," she called up at Sagume. "Cat's still got your tongue, hmm?"

Reimu struggled to get to her feet. "I don't think she's going to be willing to do that," she said. "Because of her power, and all that."

Seiga furrowed her brow at Reimu. "Well why didn't she say something to the effect of 'you're going to win this fight' or whatever?"

"My words reverse the wheel of fortune, regarding the subject of current events which I am talking about," said Sagume. She was as impassive as ever, but Reimu thought she heard a faint trace of amusement.

Seiga's head jerked around to look up at Sagume. "... Oh, so you can just talk about your power?" she said nervously. "That won't produce some sort of paradox?"

"As I just said," said Sagume, "it is _not_ derived from my precise wording." She raised her eyebrows. "Regardless, _you each have one Spell Card remaining_, and I have two."

"So I'm wasting time trying to make you slip up, then," said Seiga. The Miracle Mallet appeared in her hand as if from nowhere. "My dear Reimu, why don't we improvise another team-up Spell Card? 'Giant Sign: Red-White Oni, Blue-White Oni.'"

Sagume muttered something under her breath which, were there any other Lunarians to listen in, would have probably gotten her into trouble for impurity.

In spite of the situation, of her pain, of Sagume's ardent refusal to _be reasonable_, Reimu found herself grinning. "That," she said, "will do nicely!"

Seiga spun around with the Miracle Mallet. "ENLARGE!" she exclaimed. The mallet glowed brightly.

Suddenly, Reimu felt a fire burning within her. The world seemed to shrink around her and Seiga, and soon the hallway seemed almost cramped.

Without even showing the slightest smugness, Sagume summoned her third Spell Card. "Orb Sign 'Shotgun Coronation of the Gods.'" Spell Card names weren't "talking about current events." She began firing out swarms of golden-glowing yin-yang orbs and yellow paper charms.

Reimu responded by firing off a swarm of yin-yang orbs in a clockwise sweep, while Seiga fired blue curvy lasers counterclockwise.

Almost immediately, Sagume crashed into a curvy laser. Reimu blinked as the bullets cleared. It occurred to her that the Lunarians must not have had all that much experience dealing with curvy lasers.

Sagume hurriedly brought out her fourth and final Spell Card. "One-Winged White Heron!" she called out. Reimu felt her heart sink; that particular Spell Card had _really dense lasers_, which meant that their current enlarged size was actually a liability. The three began firing again.

Immediately before the first lasers struck Reimu, Sagume crashed into _another_ of Seiga's curvy lasers. All three immediately burst out laughing as the bullets cleared. Chuckling, Seiga reverted herself and Reimu to normal, drawing the power back into the Miracle Mallet, then immediately looked around for Yoshika.


	21. Chapter 21 - rabbiteclair

**Immediately before the first lasers struck Reimu, Sagume crashed into another of Seiga's curvy lasers. All three immediately burst out laughing as the bullets cleared. Chuckling, Seiga reverted herself and Reimu to normal, drawing the power back into the Miracle Mallet, then immediately looked around for Yoshika.**

\---

“Yoshika? Yoshika dear?” Seiga turned in place a few times, looking this way and that, but there was no hint of Yoshika to be found. “Oh my. It seems that I've misplaced a jiang-shi.”

“Is that really a problem?” Reimu asked. “Won't she find her way back to you eventually?”

“Oh! You're probably right. She might have to eat a few people on the way, but I'm sure my little jiang-shi wouldn't abandon me like that.”

Reimu held her gaze, but Seiga showed no sign that she was joking. With a sigh, Reimu was the first to cave in. “Right,” she said, and shot Sagume a very 'you'd better cooperate or there will be more shooting' kind of look. “I guess we can help you look for her.”

The three spread out to investigate, but there weren't many hiding spots big enough for a jiang-shi. Reimu gave a bush a few interrogative prods with her gohei. Sagume peeked behind trees and listened for movement. Seiga overturned a few rocks, and seemed disappointed when she found only scurrying insects.

“Are you sure she didn't wander off or something?” Reimu asked, as she dug through a third shrubbery. “It's kind of hard to misplace a person.”

“Oh, no, my Yoshika is very well-trained. She'd never do that to me.”

Reimu was just opening her mouth to protest further when a very quiet <em>'blurf!'</em> pierced the otherwise-quiet air.

All three paused and looked around. Yoshika was still nowhere to be seen, but there was no mistaking the particularly gastric gurgles of a jiang-shi for anything else. A normal human would probably have to be inside out to make a noise like that.

“Yoshika?” Seiga called. “Are you there, sweetie?”

“I'm heeeeeere!”

The voice still sounded very tiny and far away. Reimu kicked off the ground, floating up to get a better look at their surroundings. Seiga shielded her eyes and peered into the distance. And Sagume, with a finger crooked thoughtfully against her chin, walked over to an overgrown patch of weeds and pushed it aside.

There, lost in a jungle of grass three times as tall as her, was a very, very tiny Yoshika.

“Ah,” Sagume announced. Her eyes drifted up to settle on the mallet. “I think your toy might be defective.”

“Oh, Yoshika!” Seiga hurried over and crouched down, pushing more grass aside until Yoshika was standing on a flattened plain. “You really shouldn't scare me like that, dear. Oh, and you're so tiny! It will be hard to guard anything like this...”

“She's almost cute like that...” Reimu said, leaning in over the pair to get a better look. “... probably a lot less dangerous, too.”

Yoshika craned her neck back to look up at the three giants towering over her, so far that she ended up stumbling and almost toppled back onto her butt. “Lady Seigaaaaaaaa,” she moaned. Her arms clumsily batted at the air as she tried to reach for a hug, but she was about ten body heights too far away for that.

“Don't worry about a thing, dear. We'll have you fixed up in no time, okay?” As she spoke, Seiga raised the Miracle Mallet, giving it a demonstrative little shake.

“That seems unwise,” Sagume said.

“That—yeah, what she said.” Reimu took a step back for good measure. “That thing caused this problem in the first place. I think it's about time for you to give it back to its actual owner.”

Seiga, as was her wont when faced with unwelcome news, completely ignored both of them. “Now, hold still, sweetie.”

Seiga pulled the mallet back. Sagume took a step away, and Reimu moved forward to stop her.

Neither of them were quite fast enough. Seiga smacked the Miracle Mallet against the ground with a dull thud. Power poured out from it, making the air tremble and a low groan of power rise from somewhere beneath them. And, red cloth and pallid flesh exploded up from the ground like a volcano.

Even Reimu's near-legendary reflexes weren't good enough to get out of the way in time, as a <em>thing</em> the size of a shed suddenly burst into existence a meter in front of her. It slammed into her with enough force to send her rolling across the ground, bouncing a few times before she came to a stop. It took a few seconds for her sight to stop spinning, and a few more for her to identify just what that thing was—it was a shoe, black, four meters long, and a bit taller than Reimu herself. The leg poking up from it was as thick as the biggest trees on Youkai Mountain, and somewhere way, way above that...

“Bluuuhh!” Yoshika exclaimed in confusion, with the force of a thunderclap. She had to have been at least fifty meters tall, tall enough to shroud the entire scene in shadow.

At least they'd all been launched in the same direction. Sagume pushed herself up from the ground, her wing giving a few irritated half-flaps, and stared up at the jiang-shi towering over them. “... does this kind of thing normally happen down here?”

“More often than I'd like,” Reimu sighed.

Next to them, Seiga sprang to her feet, beaming up at Yoshika. “Oh! Yoshika, dear, you've gotten so big!”

Apparently her voice somehow carried all the way up there. Yoshika twisted around to look for her mistress, a seismic sort of motion that made the air around them rumble. “Lady Seigaaa...?”

“I'm coming, dear!”

Reimu saw Seiga bracing herself to take off into flight, and moved to stop her... a moment too late. Just as her hand snatched at Seiga's skirt. Yoshika took a shuffling step forward, knocking over a few trees and shaking the ground like an earthquake. Reimu stumbled and fell. She could only watch as Seiga blew them a parting kiss, then flew up—<em>way</em> up—toward her towering jiang-shi.

Reimu shot Sagume a pointed expression. “... we need to get that mallet away from her before this gets any worse.”

Sagume finished brushing off her wing, shooting Reimu an irritable glance. “I don't see how this is any concern of mine.”

“I'm making it your concern!”

Reimu didn't give her any more time to argue before darting up into the air, chasing after Seiga. Yoshika, at least, was slow and creaky on her good days—she wasn't going to be swatting them out of the air any time soon. By the time Yoshika's shoulder came into view, Seiga was already perched neatly on it, a lit pipe in one hand and the Miracle Mallet casually dangling from the other. “Oh, Reimu! Did you come to admire my beautiful jiang-shi?”

“No, I came to stop you. This has gone far enough. Give me the mallet and let's try to get Yoshika back to normal before it gets any worse.”

“Oh, that's no fun...” Seiga gave an exaggerated pout. “I should at least get to enjoy her for a while, shouldn't I?”

“I'm not going to ask you again.”

Seiga tilted her head, looking thoughtfully over Reimu. As Sagume hovered up to join the three of them, she leaned over and gave Yoshika's massive cheek a pat. “Yoshika, sweetie, you can eat these two if you'd like.”


	22. Chapter 22 - Anonymous

**Seiga tilted her head, looking thoughtfully over Reimu. As Sagume hovered up to join the three of them, she leaned over and gave Yoshika's massive cheek a pat. “Yoshika, sweetie, you can eat these two if you'd like.”**

“Mmmgot it!” the jiang-shi mumbled in response as she began wobbling over to them. Once she had gotten close enough to Reimu, who was out like a light, she dropped her puppet body to the ground, shoved her swollen face in the general direction of the shrine maiden’s ankle, and started munching awkwardly.

“Look at you go, picking the easiest target! I’ve taught you so well!” Seiga gushed.

“Seiga, be serious,” Sagume said curtly.

If the hermit had heard Sagume, she didn’t show it. She was too busy staring at Yoshika, who was currently trying her hardest to bite into Reimu’s leg despite her swollen cheek getting in the way. Yoshika didn’t have the presence of mind to try a different angle, but Seiga’s smile seemed to indicate she found it endearing.

“Seiga,” Sagume insisted, with an edge in her voice. “Don’t make me call off our deal.”

Seiga reluctantly tore her gaze away from her beloved jiang-shi and sighed.

“Fine, fine. What a bothersome Urban Legend you’ve made up… Yoshika, I’ll give you a treat later, but for now we need to get a move on.”  
“Mggkay.”

Yoshika attempted to lift herself back up to her feet, but her stiff limbs made that quite the endeavor. She began wriggling helplessly for a bit, before Seiga took pity on her and helped the zombie to her feet.

“Follow us, dear,” she ordered. “Be a good girl and I’ll let you take a bite from her wing once we’re done, alright?”  
“I’d like to see her try,” Sagume said, stifling a laugh.

With a shrug, Seiga took off after Sagume, who’d already started flying away, leaving behind the still conked-out shrine maiden.

Seiga spoke up as they flew through the skies.

“I understand that your plan needs to be secret to work, but I don’t see how helping you knock out the people on your list is going to help us Taoists.”  
“If you understand I can’t answer, then why are you asking?” Sagume snapped back.  
“Ahh, nevermind then,” Seiga nonchalantly replied. “I can just leave if things turn out badly for me, anyway, just like you said.”  
“You’re lucky I ended up needing your abilities for my plan to work.”

Silence fell between the two. A few minutes later, Sagume spoke again.

“Hm… This looks like… Oho, this is going to be interesting. We’re landing.”

The two unlikely partners (and the obedient jiang-shi) had reached a small farm on the outskirts of the human village. All three touched ground one after the other. Sagume’s smirk could only mean one thing: this was their next destination.

“Hold on,” Seiga interjected as she looked over the farm and its surroundings. “Shouldn’t Myouren Temple be here? What happened to it?”  
“We’re looking for a person, not a place,” Sagume said, staring at the seemingly empty building. “And I think this right here is proof we’ve found her.”

The air rippled and shimmered before them as the shape of the farm began melting away. In its place stood Myouren Temple, intact. Seiga barely had time to take in this new development that a newcomer clad in black suddenly dropped in from the sky. Sagume greeted her with a smile.

“I was actually looking for you!” she said. “Nue, tell me, why did you use your Seed of Unknown Form on the Temple?”  
“You first — what’s with that appearance, and why in the world are you with that Taoist hermit and her creepy pet?”  
“Aah, I see I can’t fool the eyes of an old friend,” Mamizou conceded as she shed her Sagume disguise and assumed a combat stance.


	23. Chapter 23 - Ceej

**“Nue, tell me, why did you use your Seed of Unknown Form on the Temple?”**

**“You first — what’s with that appearance, and why in the world are you with that Taoist hermit and her creepy pet?”**

**“Aah, I see I can’t fool the eyes of an old friend,” Mamizou conceded as she shed her Sagume disguise and assumed a combat stance.**

\-------

Seiga sneered at Nue as she clutched Yoshika the way one would hold a cat. “Our business at the temple does not concern you, so let us through!”

“‘_Our’_ business? What business could _you_ possibly have here?” Nue said, pointing her trident at the hermit and the late poet.

Mamizou stepped forward. “I’m doing a harmless little favor for her, that’s all. You have nothing to gain from trying to stop us.”

Nue glared at Mamizou. “I brought you here all those years ago to help us stop those damn Taoists, but here you are, doing their bidding _and_ trying to sneak back into the temple. You know you're still banned!”

“Piss off, you little goody-two-shoes.” Seiga scoffed before leaning into Yoshika's ear, “I'm sorry Master said ‘piss’. Don't use that word, okay?”

Mamizou raised her hand to Seiga. “Be civil; you'll get the scroll either way.” She turned to Nue, who was noticeably growing redder. “Yes, Nue, I am aware the priest still wants nothing to do with me after the bake sale incident, but that’s my problem and not yours.”

Nue tightly grasped her trident, which began to glow with a rich blue aura. “I have no choice but to make it my problem! Especially if you’re going to sabotage Lady Hijiri’s meeting with that Lunarian!”

“So what if I am?”

“Quit stalling and waste her!” Seiga barked.

_CRACK!_ Nue flung a great disc of energy with a mighty swing of her trident. Mamizou leaped into the night sky while Seiga shielded herself behind Yoshika. The disc tore through the forest, the thunder taking forever to die down.

\-------

“Oh, my!” Byakuren gasped. “They said it would be a clear night.”

“Aw, man,” Kosuzu whined, “I really don’t wanna walk home in a storm!”

Byakuren motioned for Kosuzu to follow her out of the temple foyer and down a side hallway. “Well, we’d better hurry and grab those books before it gets worse.”

Kosuzu stopped. “What? Can’t we wait out the storm? I mean, my parents know I’m going to be out late anyway.”

“I’m terribly sorry, sweetie,” Byakuren said, “Any other day, we’d be able to wait, but I’m expecting a very important guest soon, and we’ll be _extremely_ busy. Please come with me.” Byakuren continued down the hall.

_But what about _this_ guest?_ Kosuzu almost blurted. With a groan, she rushed after Byakuren.

\-------

In true Gensokyan fashion, the firefight that engulfed the forest seemed to end too quickly, with the combatants having no idea how they ended up in their compromising positions. Nue had Mamizou pinned on her back, trident pressed against her neck. Seiga loomed behind Nue, grabbing her by the collar and holding her hair stick, with a magical blade eminating from it, against her back. Yoshika was somewhere unknown, missing a large chunk of her stomach thanks to Nue’s first strike.

“You can’t win.” Seiga hissed. “Let us through. We won’t hurt your precious _Biatch-kuren_.”

“I... can’t!” Nue stammered.

“Nue, that’s enough.” Mamizou said, still held at trident-point. “All we want is to go in and get the Night Parade scroll. _My_ Night Parade scroll. This is not your battle.”

Nue started shuddering.

“Mamizou, you said that what happened at the bake sale wasn’t my problem? Well, you’re wrong. Byakuren chewed my head off about how I ‘couldn’t control my friend’.”

Mamizou’s face softened.

“Do you know what she did next, Mamizou?”

“...What?”

Nue couldn’t hold the tears back any longer.

“She put another stamp on my _Bad Buddhist Card_!”

Mamizou felt all the warmth and adrenaline drain from her body.

“Oh. Oh _no_.”

Nue pulled the trident off of Mamizou and buried her eyes in her hand as she choked out her words.

“And guess what, Mamizou? If I get just _one_ more stamp, it’ll be completely full! And you know damn well what happens to anyone whose card is full!”

Mamizou laid in silence as Nue sobbed. Seiga pulled away from Nue and just stared at the anguished friends.

“I see,” Mamizou finally uttered as she stood back up, “this is a very serious matter.”

“_What._” Seiga gasped. “Come on, you hygenophobe, don’t let some stupid card get in our way! I _need_ that scroll!”

“Seiga.” Mamizou said, not meeting her eyes.”

“What!?”

“Shut the hell up.”

\-------

Byakuren slid the door open. “I’m pretty sure those books ended up in here.”

Kosuzu’s eyes widened. The study that Byakuren led her to certainly looked well lived-in. Books and scrolls of all shapes, sizes, and _smells_ were strewn about the floor, and there might have been proper bookshelves and a desk or two, but they were too buried to tell for sure.

Kosuzu felt like she had stepped into a war zone, and those poor books were the dead that littered the battlefield.

“D... Do you know where they are?” Kosuzu stuttered.

Byakuren just laughed. “Oh heavens, no! But you probably know your whole inventory like the back of your hand, right? I bet you can spot them from anywhere.”

Kosuzu gingerly stepped into the room and glanced around.

“Aw geez, I don’t know. This is gonna take a while. And if any of them are damaged...”

Byakuren reached for the door. “I still need you to find them quickly and head out. But hey, it sounds like that storm already passed!”

“Hey, wait!”

Byakuren shut the door without answering.

Kosuzu had no idea where to start. All of those books seemed to blend together, and any of the stacks and piles looked like they could collapse into an even bigger mess if she so much as laid a finger on them. The strange smell of wild, filthy animals, possibly tanuki, was starting to make her dizzy too. There was no way Kosuzu was going to grab what she needed before Byakuren’s oh-so-important, oh-so-gosh-darn, oh-so-_stupid_ guest showed up and got her kicked out.

Something buried under a pile of books on the desk caught Kosuzu’s eye, interrupting her rude thoughts. It was a scroll of some kind. Kosuzu barely avoided tripping as she made her way to the desk. She carefully pulled the scroll out.

_No way! How the heck did this get here?_

It was the Night Parade scroll that caused Kosuzu so much trouble when it was in her possession. She thought she had learned her lesson after those spoiler-ridden events, but holding it in her hands again gave her tingly feelings.

Naughty feelings.

_Evil_ feelings.

_**Vengeful**_ feelings.

Kosuzu was going to get her books, all right. In fact, she was going to bring those books to life and march them, and the thousands of other books in that room, right out that door and crash Byakuren’s stupid meeting!

Kosuzu whipped the Night Parade scroll open with a grin too wicked for such an innocent-seeming child.

\-------

Outside the temple, Mamizou, Seiga, and the cried-out Nue felt a terrible energy overcome them.


	24. Chapter 24 - taberone

**"In fact, she was going to bring those books to life and march them, and the thousands of other books in that room, right out that door and crash Byakuren’s stupid meeting! Kosuzu whipped the Night Parade scroll open with a grin too wicked for such an innocent-seeming child. Outside the temple, Mamizou, Seiga, and the cried-out Nue felt a terrible energy overcome them.”**

Suddenly, the trio spotted several books with legs walking towards Byakuren’s meeting, all in a loose line. What seemed like a mass of only a dozen books quickly grew and grew, until everyone lost count of just how many books with legs there were. A good portion of them were even holding torches! Small books, medium books, and big books kept marching and marching, the line being seemingly endless.

Mamizou quickly hatched a plan to contain the situation. Knowing that it was the work of Kosuzu again when it came to the night parade scroll, Mamizou knew exactly what to do. Getting Nue to follow her, the two of them went off in the direction of Kosuzu’s bookstore. Meanwhile, Seiga picked out a book at random to focus on, followed it into Byakuren’s temple, and stood at the door to watch what was going on. The books, now having made it inside the temple were running around all over the place and causing chaos. Byakuren and her followers tried to kick them out, but their numbers were too great. For every book that was tossed outside by the gang, eight more were coming back in and undoing all the work.

Ichirin, noticing Seiga peeking her head into the temple and watching the chaos, quickly ran up to confront her. Seiga tried to defuse the situation by explaining that she had no part in this, and was merely watching what was going on.

“If you’re just gonna watch, at least help us out!” Ichirin said. But Seiga refused.

“Well then? If you’re not gonna help, then get out!” Ichrin had Unzan grab Seiga and throw her into the air. Seiga flew through the air and crashed through the roof of Kosuzu’s place as she landed, damaging Kosuzu’s books and one of her scrolls.

“Hey! Don’t damage my books! Kosuzu shouted. Seiga found herself being grabbed and tossed into the air yet again, but Kosuzu was only strong enough to toss her out into the street. Mamizou and Nue came running into Kosuzu’s store as Seiga landed on the ground, accidentally stepping on her.

“Kosuzu! What have you done?” Mamizou shouted.

“What do you mean? I haven’t done anything!”

“The Night Parade Scroll, Kosuzu! We know it was you!”

“Night Parade Scroll? What Night Parade Scroll? I’ve never heard of such a thing!” Kosuzu insisted, but to no avail. Mamizou could see through her lie, and this wasn’t the first time Kosuzu had used such a scroll.

“Are you trying to get that shrine maiden to come down on you with the force of lightning? That wasn’t funny! Now give it up!” Mamizou insisted.

“Okay, okay! It was me.” Kosuzu admitted. “What do we do now?”

“What we do now,” Mamizou replied, “is to quickly deal with this before that shrine maiden shows up. I’m going to---”

“What were you saying about a shrine maiden?” Another voice said. Kosuzu, Nue, and Mamizou turned around to see Reimu standing at the door of her book store, holding some of the tsukumogami brought to life by Kosuzu’s scroll.

“Uh oh.” Kosuzu said. Reimu was here. What was she going to do now?


	25. Chapter 25 - elegaicsongstress

**“Uh oh.” Kosuzu said. Reimu was here. What was she going to do now?**

“Bring me the book,” Reimu said, her eyes steely. “The fate of the Hakurei bloodline rests within its pages. There is no time to waste.”

Kosuzu swallowed hard, her mind going blank. What had happened to _A Treatise on the Mystically-Aided Growth of Biological Organisms_? She had seen it just that morning, disguised as a book on the preparation of coffee, sitting by the counter at the window, ready for transport to the mansion at Ms. Knowledge’s behest. But after she had left for her lunch date with Akyuu, the book had vanished. The playful breeze tousled her hair, making the bells she wore ring as she made a frantic search for the tome, Reimu’s lazy patience visibly growing thinner.

“I don’t know where it went! It was here, just before I went to lunch,” Kosuzu said, continuing to dig through the same stack of books as the window hung loosely open. At this, Reimu snapped to attention and made her way over.

“What do you mean? You left it alone, with an open window?” said Reimu, rummaging through the books alongside Kosuzu.

“No, well, yes, but it was disguised, and the shop was locked!” Kosuzu said, her mind racing. She had locked the shop, hadn’t she? There’s no way she would’ve left the windows open, right? But that would mean someone else had opened the window on their own and taken it. And who would’ve known what the book was in order to take it?

Outside the village, a shout rang through the trees, stirring the birds and a handful of fairies to flight.

“MYYYYYYSTIIIIIIIII!!!! LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!!” The yamabiko touched down at the lamprey cart with a delicacy seemingly unfitting for one who made the trees shake just moments prior, and beamed excitedly at her friend.

Mystia seemed to have her feathers ruffled, at the least. “Not so loud! You’d’ve scared all the customers away, were there any left!”

Kyouko waved her hand dismissively, too excited to worry about hypothetical guests to a lamprey stand. “Never mind that, look what I got from that book store in the village!” She held her prize triumphantly aloft, the sun glinting off of the embossed words on the cover.

“_A Treatise on the Myriad Preparations of Coffee, and Recipes Which May Prove Beneficial In the Consumption and Proper Aesthetic Appreciation Thereof_,” Mystia read, her voice slowly growing more excited. “This is it! This is the edge we’ll need to get an edge over those arrogant goddesses!” She motioned for Kyouko to join her at the counter, and they flipped the page open and began to read.

“Although many forms of organic matter produce tolerable to favorable results in the process, adding diced root of mandrake and sliced lycoris petal to the reaction will produce the most favorable roots by far. Mix with the particulate well before immersion in boiling water, and ensure that no elements of plant matter are allowed to contaminate the liquid itself. If done properly, the liquid will take a dark brown, almost black, coloration after cooling.”

Kyouko looked up from the book, her expression pensive. “That seems like a good idea, but I’m not sure where we would get the ingredients. Who in Gensokyo grows ‘mandrake root’?”


	26. Chapter Final - sukimas

**Kyouko looked up from the book, her expression pensive. “That seems like a good idea, but I’m not sure where we would get the ingredients. Who in Gensokyo grows ‘mandrake root’?” **   
  
Mystia shrugged. “I’ve got no idea, but if we want our next concert to be heard from here to Youkai Mountain, we’ve gotta find it somewhere, don’t we? Thanks to the Hieda girl using that Outside World magic, we were completely drowned out last time thanks to that eff.. em… sinthe… whatever stuff she’s been composing.” She kicked the tree branch below her for emphasis. “We gotta make that potion somehow.”   
  
“Well… doesn’t mandrake root grow in wet areas? What if we could steal some from the witch who beat us both up, since she lives in the forest?” Kyouko suggested.   
  
Mystia lit up. “Of course! She’s always making weird potions in that shack of hers. She’d definitely have some lying around, if not growing straight outside her house!”   
  
So the pair departed their tree to dive deeper into the Forest of Magic. They encountered many terrifying man-eating plants and mushrooms secreting poisonous gases along the line, but, well, our protagonists are youkai after all. It was no more than a walk in the park for them.

The real danger, therefore, might come from the girl rummaging through piles of foraged cans (from Muenzuka) for something in particular while the cat next to her mewed insistently. She turned to the creature with an exhausted sigh. “Look, Sagittarius A, if I don’t have cat food, I don’t have cat food. I’m going by the pond this afternoon anyway to see if I can find any rainbow reeds, I can catch you some fish while I’m there, okay?”    
  
Sagittarius A mewed in what could be construed by some as assent and by some as frustration. Marisa (for that was the girl’s name) chose to construe it as the former. She gave the cat a curt nod as she slapped her hat onto her head and ran out the door with a broomstick and fishing pole in tow.   
  
Kyouko and Mystia breathed a sigh of relief as they saw her bolt off and leap into the sky.   
  
“Well, that’s one problem avoided. Now we just have to find out whether she has any mandrake root in there, since we can see there’s obviously nothing but beans and mushroom in her garden right now.”   
  
Mystia cheerily proposed, in response to that sentence, that they break the window. Kyouko just stared.   
  
“Uh, Mysti… We did just see her leave without locking the door, you know? We can just go in that way.”   
  
Mystia nodded. “Yes, of course. But don’t you think she’ll have thought of that? She has so much junk in that house that she wants to keep, she’s probably got it warded up to the ears.”

Kyouko pulled on her ears in frustration. “Well, what can we do, then? If she has it warded, we’ll probably get blasted even if we break the window. Wait, why do you have that rock?”   
  
Mystia grinned. “Well, it’s probably checking for living beings entering the house, and for a spell as flashy as that witch likes, it’ll probably only be able to go off once. See this rock? It’s covered in pillbugs. If we throw it through the window, we’ll probably be able to trigger the ward without even putting ourselves in danger! Probably.”   
  
Kyouko nodded. “That’s a great idea! Now, let’s just see if it works. Go go, Mysti! Toss that rock!”   
  
Mystia wound up for a good toss, and sent the rock (and pillbugs) flying through the window with incredible force. Immediately after, a bright flash of rainbow-colored light filled the house, and the rock flew back out, not through the window, but through its frame. And directly into Mystia’s guts. She doubled over for a second before grinning and giving Kyouko a thumbs up. “Looks like it worked! Now, let’s hurry and get in before that witch comes back from her fishing trip.”   
  
The two entered the house and were met by two things. First, a sleeping Sagittarius A, on top of a pile of books. Secondly… by piles of everything under the sun. Mystia groaned, and this time it wasn’t from a rock flying into her. Kyouko just sighed. “Let’s get to it.”

An hour and a half later, the pair had meticulously organized half the house when Mystia gave an excited shriek. “It’s here!” She triumphantly held up a bunch of crumpled roots from the top of a pile of various root vegetables and mushrooms. “We can go now!”   
  
Sagittarius A gave a confused, half-asleep mew as Kyouko echoed “Go now!” in her own excitement. The two left a note on Marisa’s bed telling her she was very welcome for their spring cleaning, and excitedly flew off to Mystia’s home by the shrine path.    
  
Mystia got out her (almost-never-used) mortar and pestle, and crushed up some of the mandrake root with mint and lemongrass, then poured it into hot water. She handed a small cup to Kyouko. “Drink up, then say something. Quietly!”   
  
Kyouko took a few sips, then opened her mouth to test. “GOOD MORNING!” She shouted, without meaning to. Mystia gave her a thumbs up. 

“Great! Now, let’s get our stage set up for our concert tonight.”   
  
The pair dutifully put the stage together, and then Mystia got out a large canvas and some paint. “How about painting something on this to announce our concert? Something like… Choujuu Gigaku’s Loudest Live Concert Ever. Kyouko, you can just nod or shake your head. You don’t have to yell.” Instead of nodding, Kyouko grabbed a paintbrush and in big, bold red letters wrote exactly that on the canvas. She then nodded approvingly. 

The two of them waited for it to dry while having some rice balls, then hung it up and got changed into their concert uniforms. As it got dark and they put the lights on, Mystia took a draught of the mandrake potion, and then experimentally sang a few notes. One of them was so loud it cracked the cup she had drunk from, so she grinned happily before giving Kyouko the thumbs up.    
  
The crowd gathered expectantly around the stage as the two came out, both with impeccably messy outfits. Kyouko walked up to the decidedly non-working mic and opened her mouth before saying “GOOD EVENING EVERYONE!”   
  
An earth rabbit near the stage fainted.   
  
“WELCOME TO CHOUJUU GIGAKU’S THIRTEENTH CONCERT! WE’RE HOPING YOU ALL WILL ENJOY IT! AS THE BANNER ADVERTISES, IT’S GONNA BE OUR LOUDEST EVER, SO THOSE WITH SENSITIVE EARS MIGHT WANT TO BOW OUT NOW! THANKS TO HIEDA NO AKYUU FOR OUR BACKING INSTRUMENTALS, AND LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!”   
  
As the music started, a shrine maiden, miles away, rolled over in her bed, mumbling something about earthquakes. The next day, a certain celestial maiden would find herself very angrily pursued by several youkai and youkai exterminators, seemingly without explanation.   
  
However, Choujuu Gigaku’s attendance for their following concerts shot through the roof, so perhaps (although their ticket sales plummeted, thanks to a certain poverty goddess) it was all worth it, in the end. Either way, they don’t care. They’re youkai who live for the thrill of the moment.   
  
And boy, was the past week a thrill.

**[END.]**


End file.
